P100Digitext100HOLD

DIGITISER

470

Join Mr Biffo and friends in the digitiser section

Charts 474
Violet Berlin 475

KNIGHTMARE

458

Play the Knightmare Eagle Quest adventure: To The Ice Palace of Aesandre

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FULL DIGITEXT CONTENTS 101

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Key:
To be implemented
Available

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HELP

To advance (quickly) through the pages, press right square bracket key (located near the enter key), otherwise the pages will move forward every minute

To pause a page press "h" and then again to unpause

To move to another page (like 470) just type it in

NIGHT NETWORK

From 12am till 6am the site will play easy listening music to simulate the closedown of TV from the early eighties. This was initially started by Ceefax (the BBC teletext service) but did get picked up by Teletext.

FASTTEXT

Fasttext now added. This helped to jump to pages quickly without the need to key in the numbers. Bamboozle used this to great effect - to see this key in 452.

REVEAL

To be implemented.

ABOUT

I originally wanted to write a Windows 95 simulator as a follow-on homage to LGR's DOS portion of website - http://www.lazygamereviews.com/prompt/. I figured it should work quite well with the advancement in javascript over the years and it meant that I could utilise more JS programming skills as I don't do much of that currently.

I didn't want to use jQuery as I would only be using a small portion of that code and I wanted to try and keep the site as tightly written as possible, without excessive code. I have seen another website that does use jQuery and interestingly that is based more on Ceefax rather than mine which is Teletext based. You can find the site here: http://worldofpaul.com/teletext/.

SO WHY DIGITISER?

Around 2017, Mr Biffo (Paul Rose) of Digitiser fame, surfaced back into the "limelight" and was attending retro gaming events talking about the old Digitiser days. I thought it'd be pretty cool to make an online teletext simulator using nothing but HTML, CSS and Javascript. This would be a cut down challenge from the Windows based one and so here we are.

You stand before Knightmare Castle. With you is Treguard, Master of the Quest.

"Welcome, Adventurer! Your quest will take you to the Great Northern Ice Field, a frozen realm inhabited by ferocious Polar Bears! You travel to rescue a captive maiden. I will aid you when I can: you will hear my voice at time of need. Hold to the adventurer's code:

Answer truthfully, choose wisely, use force only in direst need. And remember

Cheats never prosper!

Treguard indicates the northern trail. Pulling your cloak tightly about you, you stride into the freezing wind. Ahead you see a tall figure: it is Hordriss the Confuser, magician extraordinary.

"Imprecations! Is this the best Treguard could find? One doubts if you are wise enough for such a Quest: one will test you. Tell me, puny adventurer those who dwell in this land are known to outsiders as Eskimos. How are they more properly called?"

Hordriss shakes his head sadly.

"One's worst fears are confirmed. One must go and find another to undertake this task. Farewell, ignorant adventurer."

He turns and leaves you standing alone in the freezing wind as the snows fall more heavily around you.

You wander through the snow as it falls ever harder and harder. All paths vanish in the white torrent that swirls about you. You tire rapidly as the warmth drains from your body. After long, confused wandering you feel yourself losing consciousness and falling into the deep, soft snow.....

You have been found wanting. This time, your Quest may not succeed. But take courage. You have journeyed far and attempted that of which many only dream

Next time you set foot beyond the walls of Castle Knightmare, who knows whence your path may lead?

"Ah," says Hordriss, " an enlightened Adventurer. Remarkable! Listen then: one's foolish daughter Sidriss has been captured by Aesandre the Ice Sorceress. Her palace lies far to the North. She awaits my rescue mission and has set magic traps for me. She will not expect YOU. There is a slight chance you might get through...

"One gifts you with a spell: HEAT. You may use it only once. Good fortune!"

You set out across the ice sheet along the path Hordriss indicates. Soon he is lost behind and you can see nothing but ice and snow in every direction. The chill enters your bones and you shiver in every limb.

Then ahead you spot a small white dome: An igloo!

Do you:

The valley path is filled with snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow reaches your knees. The fur coat is weighed down by heavy ice. You step boldly forward onto a slab of ice. It gives way beneath you and frozen snow closes over your head...

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "Frosted Adventurer! And not a microwave in sight!"

Inside the igloo it is slightly warmer. You find a collection of objects left behind by the owner.

A sack. Opening it you find it to be full of greasy, smelly lumps of something unpleasant.

A pair of snowshoes.

A white fur coat.

Which do you take?

Wrapping the coat around you and feeling warm and snug, you step out into the snow again. Heading ever northwards, you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down the valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

You climb up above the snowy valley, across bare rock jutting through the ice. At the top of the rise you pause to look down...

And turn at a snarling sound behind you

A large polar bear is growling and forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge.

"Very tactless to go around wearing one of his relatives," whispers Treguard as you fall from the rock-face. Oh dear

Strapping the huge snowshoes onto your feet, step out into the snow again. Heading ever northwards you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down a valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

Slinging the weight of the of the sack over one shoulder, you step out into the snow again. Moving north again you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down a valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

You climb up above the snowy valley, across the rocks jutting out of the ice. At the top of the rise you pause to look down...

A hideous snarling sounds behind you.

A large polar bear is growling and forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge.

"Decide quickly," says Tregaurd. "He looks hungry."

The valley path is filled with snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow spilling over your snowshoes. Once or twice you feel the ice below shifting as you step onto solid-looking surfaces but moving carefully with your snowshoes you manage to make your way to the easier path beyond the valley.

You climb up above the snowy valley, across bare rock jutting through the ice. At the top of the rise you pause..

A hideous snarling sounds behind you.

A large polar bear is growling, forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge. It leaps towards you...

...and rips the sack from your back. As you hurry away Treguard whispers: "You may not like the smell - but some regard two-week old whale blubber as quite a delicacy!"

The valley path is filled with ever deeper snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow reaches to your knees. The heavy sack makes you sink deeper in.

As you step boldly forward onto a frozen slab it gives way beneath you and the freezing snows close over your head.....

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "Now you know how a frozen beefburger feels!"

You trip over the heavy snowshoes you are wearing as the bear pounces on you. You have a last impression of its mighty jaws, gaping wide....

"Oh dear," mutters Treguard. "Still never mind: think of it as doing your bit to preserve an endangered species."

You are temporarily refreshed, but the icy wind blows you harder from the north. Your fingers and toes go numb and your vision blurs. The icy cold extends its reach into your very lungs. It seems that you can go no further.

What do you do?

Summoning your last reserves, you push forward and suddenly the blizzard falters. Ahead of you is, miraculously revealed, the ice palace of the sorceress! Its crystal walls, carved from ice tower hundreds of feet into the air. Within, lie the captive - and the enemy!

A desperate final effort propels you to the entrance.

The spell conjures a glowing ball of red light. You step through it and an invigorating rush of warmth floods your limbs and seems to cause the blizzard to falter for a moment. Ahead of you is suddenly revealed the ice palace of the sorceress! Its walls, carved from ice, tower hundreds of feet into the air. Within, lie the captive - and the enemy

You make for the entrance.

Inside the palace, a great hall of ice stretches out before you. At the far end Aesandre stands on a high platform beneath a glittering ice-chandelier. Beside her, frozen in a block of ice is Sidriss.

"So," cries Aesandre, "That old fool Hordriss thinks he can outwit me by sending a young fool in his place. Absurd!"

She raises her hands above her head: she is casting a spell! Do you:

Tregaurd whispers in your ear: "You used your only spell outside. Do you think you can cheat the Quest?"

A bolt of magic force strikes you as you stand there dithering and blackness falls around you.

"And thus fail all who try to cheat their fate." Tregaurd adds. "Be off with you!"

Inside the palace, a great hall of ice stretches out before you. At the far end Aesandre stands on a high platform beneath a glittering ice-chandelier. Beside her, frozen in a block of ice is Sidriss.

"So," cries Aesandre, "that old fool thinks he can outwit me by sending a young fool in his place. Absurd!"

And she raises her hands above her head to cast a spell at you. What do you do?

But before you can manage a single step a bolt of mystic energy flies from Aesandre's fingertips and strikes you full upon the chest. You feel a strange tingling spread through your body...

In this arctic wasteland you cannot survive long without food. Sheltering in a frozen ice-cave you come across a ragged hermit.

"I have food - but share it only with the wise," he says. "You may eat of my bread but only if you can answer me this: The North people believe in a hammer-god.

Which day is his?"

Invoking the spell conjures a ball of red light to form in your right hand. It pulses with warmth as you look up and try to identify a target upon which to use it.

Do you aim for the:

The red sphere flies straight and true towards the evil figure of your enemy.. She deftly bats it aside, causing it to crash out through the ice wall. With a malicious grin she unleashes her own spell which strikes you full in the chest. You feel a strange tingling spread through your body...

You look down at yourself. You seem to be wearing an ill-fitting dinner jacket and baggy trousers. Then you notice that your nose seems to have got longer your arms shorter and the floor closer.

Yes, you have been turned into a PENGUIN!

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "I hope you like fish dinners...."

Your heat spell flies off above the sorceress' head but misses the chandelier. It strikes the ceiling and for a moment there is silence. Then the great sheets of ice above your head shiver and crack. You hurry for the door but before you can reach safety...

CRRRRRRRASSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!

"Well," says Treguard, "that certainly brought the house down!"

The Sorceress blinks with surprise as the ball of HEAT flashes past her. She turns with alarm as the block the ice containing Sidriss shatters, exploding under pressure from within. The heat ball turns upon Aesandre and she abandons her attack on you to raise a hasty defence.

For a few moments you watch anxiously as the fight rages at the far end of the hall. But then the floor there melts, and with a hideous curse Aesandre sinks from view.

Sidriss conjures the ice to reform and runs towards you.

"At last one of my spells has worked! Now we must hurry from here. I doubt my magic will hold her long. Spellcasting: H.O.M.E........."

In the merest instant you are returned to Castle Knightmare. Hordriss is reunited with his daughter.

"Foolish one to risk the perils of the Ice Palace," he chides her.

"Well Done, brave traveller," says Treguard. "You have proven worthy and have achieved your Quest. You may now count yourself among the Knights of Knightmare Castle."

Written by Mike Cule. "Knightmare" is a Broadsword Production for Anglia TV

Digitext would like to thank castleteletext.com for permission in allowing this on here

Credits

Story written by Mike Cule

Original Teletext artwork by Mr Biffo

Thanks to Al for archiving the original Teletext pages. ROBOTFUZZ

Thanks to Mark from ‘Fighting Fantasy (and other gamebooks)’ for mapping it out FFAOGB

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’He’s not going to resign unless he’s forced to do so’, says Rachel Cunliffe from the New Statesman 301

Boris Johnson ‘appalling PM says SNP MP 302

‘I think his time is up’: voters in marginal Conservative seat discuss PM’s future 303

Boris Johnson could not ignore a no confidence vote, says Whitehall expert 304

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’He’s not going to resign unless he’s forced to do so’, says Rachel Cunliffe from the New Statesman

At the end of an extraordinary day, Boris Johnson is still in Number 10.

So what next? We spoke to Rachel Cunliffe from the New Statesman.

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Boris Johnson ‘appalling PM says SNP MP

Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon tweeted a letter from Boris Johnson saying it was not the time to consider another independence vote.

We’re joined by the Scottish National Party MP John Nicolson.

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‘I think his time is up’: voters in marginal Conservative seat discuss PM’s future

How is all of this going down among the voting public?

Home Affairs Correspondent Andy Davies is in former solicitor general Alex Chalk’s highly marginal Conservative seat of Cheltenham.

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Boris Johnson could not ignore a no confidence vote, says Whitehall expert

The keen Whitehall watcher Dr Catherine Haddon from the Institute for Government is with us.

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Bamber Boozler poses another 12 questions. Answer using fasttext at the bottom. One wrong and you must try again.

Can you answer all 12 in one attempt?

Press RED to begin

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Sam Rockwell is 52 this month, but in what film did he play a small role as a head thug with the line: "Regular or Menthol?"

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Red:Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles


Green:Clownhouse


Yellow:The Last Exit to Brooklyn


Cyan:Strictly Business


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Super Mario World is 30 this month. Which new character is introduced?

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Red:Toadstool


Green:Bowser


Yellow:Yoshi


Cyan:Wario


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What do the initials HAL for the HAL 9000 computer mean in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey?

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Red:Hateful Artificial Lifeform


Green:Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer


Yellow:Hardware AI Language


Cyan:Highly Advanced Language


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Which board game is played with teams of players trying to identify specific words from their teammates’ drawings?

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Red:Scattegories


Green:Charades


Yellow:Pictionary


Cyan:Sketchy


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What is the chemical symbol for silver?

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Red:Ag


Green:Au


Yellow:Al


Cyan:Pb

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Bad luck!

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YOU'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED


Do you wish to play again? If so, press red below

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In regards to beer, what does IPA stand for?

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Red:Independently Pumped Ale


Green:Independently Produced Ale


Yellow:Indian Pale Ale


Cyan:Indian Produced Ale


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What type of farm did Taylor Swift grow up on?

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Red:Ranch


Green:Flower Farm


Yellow:Micro Farm


Cyan:Christmas Tree Farm


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Who was Henry VIII's last wife?

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Red:Catherine Howard


Green:Catherine Parr


Yellow:Anne of Cleves


Cyan:Jane Seymour


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What is the lifespan of a dragonfly?

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Red:12 hours


Green:8 hours


Yellow:24 hours


Cyan:48 hours


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Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and which other film make up the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy?

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Red:Run Fatboy Run


Green:The World's End


Yellow:Paul


Cyan:Big Nothing


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Which famous boxer could "float like a butterfly" and "sting like a bee"?

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Red:Muhammad Ali


Green:Mike Tyson


Yellow:Frank Bruno


Cyan:Evander Holyfield


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What is the nickname of the character played by Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption?

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Red:Blue


Green:Green


Yellow:Brown


Cyan:Red


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Well done! How many did you get right first time? Check your rating below

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----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Howell, David W L
Black: Horton, Andrew P
Date: 12/01/2019


1. Nf3 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4 4. Qc2 d6 5. a3 Bxc3 6. Qxc3 O-O 7. d3 a5 8. b3 e5 9. e3 Re8 10. Be2 Nbd7 11. Bb2 Qe7 12. O-O Nf8 13. Nd2 Ng6 14. Rae1 Bg4 15. f3 Bd7 16. f4 Bg4 17. fxe5 dxe5 18. Nf3 b6 19. h3 Bd7 20. Nd2 Bc6 21. Rf2 Bb7 22. Nf1 Rad8 23. Ng3 Bc8 24. d4 exd4 25. exd4 Qe3 26. d5 Qxc3 27. Bxc3 Ne4 28. Nxe4 Rxe4 29. Bf1 Rxe1 30. Bxe1 Re8 31. Re2 Rxe2 32. Bxe2 Ne5 33. Bg3 f6 34. Kf2 Bf5 35. Ke3 Bc2 36. b4 axb4 37. axb4 Kf7 38. Kd4 Ke7 39. Bxe5 fxe5+ 40. Kxe5 h6 41. h4 Bb1 42. g3 Bc2 43. Bf1 Bg6 44. Kd4 Kd6 45. Bd3 Bf7 46. c5+ bxc5+ 47. bxc5+ Ke7 48. Ke5 Kd7 49. g4 Ke7 50. h5 Kd7 51. Bf5+ Ke7 52. Bd3 Kd7 53. Bf5+ Ke7 54. c6 Bg8 55. Bg6 Kd8 56. Bf5 Ke7 57. Bg6 Kd8 58. d6 Bc4 59. Be4 Bb3 60. Bf3 Bc4 61. Be4 Bb3 62. Bd5 Bd1 63. Be6 Bc2 64. Bd7 Bd3 65. Kd5 Bc2 66. dxc7+ Kxc7 67. Ke6 g6 68. Kf6 gxh5 69. gxh5 Kd8 70. Kg7 Ke7 71. Kxh6 Bd1 72. Kg6 Bf3 73. h6 Kf8 74. c7 Bb7 75. h7 1-0


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Adams, Michael
Black: Harvey, Marcus R
Date: 12/01/2019


1. e4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 Nf6 4. Bg5 dxe4 5. Nxe4 Be7 6. Bxf6 gxf6 7. Qd2 a6 8. O-O-O f5 9. Nc3 b5 10. Nf3 Qd6 11. Ne5 Nd7 12. f4 Bb7 13. Rg1 Nxe5 14. fxe5 Qb6 15. g4 Rg8 16. Qf2 fxg4 17. Bg2 O-O-O 18. Bxb7+ Kxb7 19. Rxg4 Rxg4 20. Qf3+ Qc6 21. Qxg4 f5 22. exf6 Bxf6 23. Kb1 b4 24. Ne2 e5 25. d5 Rxd5 26. Rxd5 Qxd5 27. Qxb4+ Kc6 28. Qc3+ Kb7 29. Qe1 e4 30. Ng3 Be5 31. Nxe4 1/2-1/2


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: McShane, Luke J
Black: Clarke, Brandon G I
Date: 12/01/2019


1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 d6 3. Bb5+ Nd7 4. d4 cxd4 5. Qxd4 a6 6. Bxd7+ Bxd7 7. Nc3 e5 8. Qd3 Rc8 9. O-O h6 10. Nd2 Qc7 11. Rd1 Bg4 12. Re1 Nf6 13. Nf1 Be7 14. Qg3 g6 15. a4 Be6 16. Ne3 Qc6 17. Qf3 Kf8 18. a5 Kg7 19. Bd2 Qd7 20. Red1 h5 21. Qe2 h4 22. f3 g5 23. Na4 Qc6 24. Nb6 Rcg8 25. c4 Nh5 26. Nbd5 Nf4 27. Qf2 Bf8 28. b3 f6 29. Ng4 Bxg4 30. fxg4 h3 31. g3 Nxd5 32. exd5 Qd7 33. Qf3 Be7 34. Be3 Rc8 35. Ra2 Bd8 36. Qe4 Rf8 37. Rf1 b5 38. axb6 Qb7 39. c5 dxc5 40. Bxg5 Qxb6 41. Raf2 Qd6 42. Rf5 Be7 43. Bh6+ 1-0


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Pert, Nicholas
Black: Jones, Gawain C B
Date: 12/01/2019


1. d4 Nf6 2. Nf3 g6 3. c4 Bg7 4. Nc3 O-O 5. Bg5 c5 6. d5 h6 7. Bh4 d6 8. e3 Bf5 9. Nd2 g5 10. Bg3 Nbd7 11. Be2 a6 12. O-O Qb6 13. e4 Bg6 14. Rb1 e6 15. a3 Rfe8 16. b4 cxb4 17. axb4 exd5 18. Nxd5 Nxd5 19. cxd5 Bxe4 20. Nc4 Qd8 21. Bd3 Bxd3 22. Qxd3 Ne5 23. Bxe5 Bxe5 24. Nxe5 Rxe5 25. Qd4 Qe7 26. Rbc1 Re8 27. h3 Qd7 28. f4 Rf5 29. Rf2 Qe7 30. fxg5 Rxf2 31. Qxf2 hxg5 32. Kh1 Qe4 33. Qd2 Re5 34. Rd1 g4 35. Qc3 Rh5 36. Kg1 gxh3 37. Qg3+ Qg6 38. Qxg6+ fxg6 39. gxh3 Rxh3 40. Rc1 Rb3 41. Rc8+ Kf7 42. Rc7+ Kf6 43. Rxb7 Ke5 44. Ra7 Rxb4 45. Rxa6 Rf4 46. Ra5 Rd4 47. Kf2 Rxd5 48. Ra8 Kf4 49. Ra4+ Kf5 50. Ke3 g5 51. Ra8 Re5+ 52. Kf2 Kf4 53. Ra4+ Re4 54. Ra5 Rd4 55. Ke2 g4 56. Ra8 Kg3 57. Rg8 Rf4 58. Rg5 Rf6 59. Rg8 Kh3 0-1


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Horton, Andrew P
Black: Howell, David W L
Date: 12/01/2019


1. Nf3 d5 2. c4 c6 3. g3 Bg4 4. Bg2 e6 5. O-O Nf6 6. b3 Nbd7 7. Bb2 Bd6 8. d4 Qb8 9. Nbd2 O-O 10. Re1 Re8 11. e4 dxe4 12. Nxe4 Nxe4 13. Rxe4 Bh5 14. Qd2 a5 15. a3 Qc7 16. Rae1 Rad8 17. Qc3 Nf6 18. R4e2 c5 19. dxc5 Bxc5 20. b4 axb4 21. axb4 Bf8 22. h3 Bxf3 23. Bxf3 b6 24. Rc1 Rc8 25. Rec2 Red8 26. c5 bxc5 27. bxc5 Nd5 28. Bxd5 Rxd5 29. c6 h5 30. h4 Rc5 31. Qe3 Rd5 32. Rd2 Qd6 33. Rxd5 Qxd5 34. Qc3 f6 35. Ba3 Rc7 36. Bxf8 Kxf8 37. Qb4+ Kf7 38. Qb6 Qd6 39. Qb5 Kg6 40. Qe2 Qd5 41. Qc2+ Kf7 42. Qc3 Kg6 43. Qc2+ Kf7 44. Qc3 Kg6 1/2-1/2


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Harvey, Marcus R
Black: Adams, Michael
Date: 12/01/2019


1. Nf3 d5 2. b3 Nf6 3. Bb2 e6 4. e3 Bd6 5. c4 O-O 6. Qc2 c5 7. cxd5 exd5 8. d4 cxd4 9. Nxd4 Nc6 10. Nxc6 bxc6 11. Nd2 c5 12. Bd3 Bb7 13. O-O d4 14. e4 Ng4 15. Nf3 Qc7 16. h3 Nh2 17. Nxh2 Bxh2+ 18. Kh1 Bf4 19. Bc1 Rac8 20. Bxf4 Qxf4 21. Qc1 Qd6 22. f4 f6 23. Qc4+ Kh8 24. Rae1 Rfe8 25. Qf7 Re7 26. Qh5 Qc6 27. Rf2 Ba6 28. Qe2 Bxd3 29. Qxd3 Rce8 30. Rfe2 Qd6 31. Rf2 g6 32. Kh2 a5 33. g3 Qc6 34. Rfe2 Kg7 35. h4 h5 36. Kg1 Re6 37. Kf2 R8e7 38. Qf3 a4 39. e5 Qxf3+ 40. Kxf3 axb3 41. axb3 fxe5 42. fxe5 Rb6 43. Ke4 Rxb3 44. Kd5 Rd7+ 45. Kc6 Rbb7 46. e6 Rbc7+ 47. Kb5 Rd8 48. e7 Rb8+ 49. Kc4 Re8 50. Re4 Kf7 51. Rf1+ Kg7 52. Rfe1 Kf7 1/2-1/2


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

----- BRITISH KNOCKOUT ------------------------------------


White: Clarke, Brandon G I
Black: McShane, Luke J
Date: 12/01/2019


1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5 Nf6 4. d3 Bc5 5. c3 O-O 6. Bg5 Be7 7. O-O d6 8. Nbd2 Ng4 9. Bxe7 Nxe7 10. d4 Ng6 11. Re1 Qe7 12. Nf1 Nh4 13. Ng3 Nxf3+ 14. Qxf3 Qf6 15. Qxf6 Nxf6 16. Bc4 Re8 17. f3 Be6 18. Bxe6 Rxe6 19. d5 Ree8 20. c4 a5 21. Ne2 Kf8 22. Nc3 Ke7 23. b3 c6 24. Red1 Nd7 25. Kf2 g6 26. Ke3 h5 27. Rd2 c5 28. g3 h4 29. g4 g5 30. Kd3 Ra6 31. Nb5 Rc8 32. a3 Kd8 33. Rda2 Rca8 34. Kc3 Kc8 35. Rb1 Kd8 36. a4 1/2-1/2


Results from: https://www.londonchessclassic.com/

This week we have a new Eagle Quest game to play. A new adventure will appear here on Wednesday afternoon 29 December. Bamboozle will return in January. Press red to enter the mysterious world of Castle Knightmare...


This is an adventure game using the fast text colour buttons on certain televisions. Once you begin your adventure, you will undertake a fantastic journey. Mistakes may force you to retrace your steps - only perseverance, wit and courage will take you to the end of the Knightmare trail.

THROWN OUT OF LONDON ART GALLERY ----- 471

attempted pottery goes wrong ----- 472

THE DIGITISER LIVE FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE ----- 473

This Month in...charts ----- 474

Violet Berlin ----- 475

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A lot of you are probably sick of hearing about Digitiser Live, so we won't go on about it much more. But! C'mon. After 18 months of wretched life-slog, some of us needed it. From the performers and backstage crew, to the guests, to audience, to the venue, it was a release. Pure catharsis, wrapped up in a big "silly".If you didn't make it, we'll find a way for you to see it. And we'll do another. Promise.It's weird. I know I say this a lot, but we're not a huge YouTube channel, and we seem to be growing at a glacial rate. By which I mean... shrinking intermittently.  Yes, Digitiser has been around a long time, but all logic indicates that we shouldn't be able to do a show like that. We shouldn't be able to sell out a venue of that size, with such an enthusiastic audience. We shouldn't be able to get other creators that we admire, with far, far bigger audiences than ours, to take part. And yet... something about whatever the heck it is that we do resonates enough that we can. Imagine if we had a million subscribers! We'd be doing Digi Live at Wembley Stadium. Anyway... we started to receive letters from many of you the day after Digi Live, so we thought a Friday Letters Page would be in order. And here? Why, here is that Friday Letters Page of which I just done mentioned. Clac-clac-clac-clac-a-claccer. Claclaclac.

HORRIBLE

Thank you so much for last night's show!After a horrible 18+ months, it was just the escape from reality I needed. I also felt that the unfortunate delay had helped the production, allowing for the trends and jokes on the main channel to mature in a way that they might have done had we stuck to the original date.Suffice to say I laughed very, very hard and very, very frequently ( I got the Adric joke...), and despite being very different to Digi Live 1 it was still the Digi we know and love.​The highlight for me was the attempt to summon Prince Albert via sexy twerking drag Victoria. That pushed all of my history nerd buttons!It was clear throughout that a heck of a lot of hard work had gone into the production, and I want to thank everyone involved for making it not only a night out to remember, but a memorable return to live theatre! I trust that for Digi Live 3, whenever that comes, somebody holds David Braben to account for what we know he did...All the best, and may Beanus's love reach us all.Phil (kern)

Bless you, Phil. You've got a really good point about the delay helping the show. If it hadn't been for all that happening, we may not have come up with Supernatural World, Corner Shop Corner, Third Bird, Tony Harris, The Golden Bean et al, and other things that a lot of our existing subscribers absolutely hated. Consequently, last week's show felt much more 'us'.What a shame there wasn't any room for Forever Baby!

STUPID

First just to say again loved the Digi show last night!After the show, had a character idea.. probably stupid, maybe genius. More likely the former but on the off chance..He'd be Beanus' cousin called "Runner Beanus" it'd basically be a green wig instead of orange, a mask similar to beanus' but covered in runner beans with broccoli eye brows and green beans for lips, maybe broad beans in the background and he'd wear a sweat band on his head and sorta running gear over a green body suit...Admittedly, haven't thought much beyond the Runner Beanus name and him liking running and runner beans... I feel like he should be a vegan and a fitness addict and Beanus hates him for liking the wrong kind of beans.. Maybe one for Mr Gannon so he can appear with Beanus, I feel he'd definitely love playing it.Not sure if you could/would want to do anything with that, but if you think it'd add to the Beanus legacy then you're welcome to do as you will with it otherwise file this away in the recycle bin.Steve 

But Beanus has a new friend already! He's called Num-Num, and he's a faceless homunculus. 

BRAGGING RIGHTS

Dear Mr. BiffoSexuality! Your laws do not apply to me! A nuclear submarine sinks off the coast of Sweden...!!Jon Clay, North Curry, Somerset

What a whimsical letter!

RIDICULOUS

I'm having withdrawal symptoms from laughing so much.So DigiLive 2.0. What an absolutely amazing night. The effort you all put into making it happen was tangible, and it was so marvellously different from last time. Just as Digi should be. Utterly unpredictable.Thanks too for taking the time to meet with us at the end. It was incredibly appreciated, especially as you must have been exhausted. I've never had so much fun in a car park (in recent memory)Also, while I did mention it on the night, I'd just like to say again how great the music sounded before the show. I've only listened to your stuff through headphones and I my kitchen so hearing in full theatre... wow. Loved it. In its own way really reminded me how much I've missed live music (even though that wasn't live. You know what I mean.)Anyway, thanks again for a really, really ridiculous night of laughs. Everyone involved really should be proud of what you pulled off. Amazing work.Roll on next Kickstarter!Cheers,'Aquatic' Dan

Oddly, for the first couple of hours of the carpark meet-and-greet, I attained a "second wind". By 1am, though, I was flagging so hard that I kept blowing off on Sanja. Somebody should do a time-lapse of all the meet-and-greet photos as you see me physically decay over the course of three hours.Also; thank you for the nice words about my music. You were the only person who said anything about it, and it made my night.Buy my album, fuckos!

THE WORST

Well what can I say to that? David Braben must be feeling incredible intestinal relief after waiting two years to get that one out. As terrible as my actually-talking-to-anyone skills are, Digi Live still feels like being amongst my own peopleThe entire show had me creased up, from 'The Worst Of Found Footage' pre-show event onwards. I know you've been disappointed in Found/Lost Footage's viewcounts before, but I honestly envy anyone who was hearing/seeing Pie Vendors In The Night for the first time.​I love how Sanja always seems like she's playing the straight woman, but always with this edge that she's really egging you on. Especially eating worms. And Eli and Paul's bickering over the validity of "Roastboy Fridgedaire" as a name nearly killed me laughing.Also god bless your own willingness to writhe around on the floor like a maniac, and Quang's breakdancing Braben, and honestly I could just rattle off everyone who appeared onstage because everyone was on top game. I'm fawning, but sometimes you just need to fawnChunky Fridge and The Antique Code Show were great too; at the end of the day I am an absolute sucker for trivia about Dizzy games. Whatever comes next, I'll be there.Sedric A. Dragon

Oh god... the writhing around. I explain it a bit more in our Digi Live debrief video, but I had a whole routine thing worked out. Unfortunately, I only wore my sexy USA t-shirt for the first time a couple of minutes before I went on stage, and immediately realised it was slightly too figure-hugging. As in: simultaneously very uncomfortable, and enormously unflattering.Consequently, I suddenly felt very self-conscious about my wobbly bits, and couldn't bring myself to go through with the original plan. Hence; screaming and scuttling rather than doing anything that might cause additional wobblage.

TERRIBLE

Thank you for putting on such a wonderfully chaotic show! As Favus kindly offered his tickets I was able to bring my son along and we had a great time. Not that it matters but I did reimburse him for the original cost, was only fair. I did have to cover his eyes/ears on a couple of occasions but on the whole he was fine, he's a sweet lad who knows what he can and can't repeat! It was lovely to share something with him that was so important to me when I was his age, although back then the swears were always fffrrrgggkkkknnn implied. I was warned! I first got into Digi at my nan's (terrible woman) and asked for a TV with Fastext for Christmas. I was an avid reader from that point on, often waiting for the new 'episode' to click over at I think, 1.30am? Misspent youth! Your humour disappeared with Digi for me, although Bubblegun, and particularly the Gallagher sketches (coocoocachooooo!), were great. Digitiser 2000 and the YouTube channel have been a real nostalgia hit for me, even if the source material has differed, the brand of humour is unchanged.I am going around the houses a bit but I guess I'm trying to say thank you. What you do and have done is a happy constant for me and I'm sure others feel the same. What you do very much matters and my boy is already asking when the next show is.​I wish we could have stayed to say hi but we had a long journey back up to the Midlands.Ash

Aw. Thank you for coming, and I hope we didn't damage your son too much. I did worry a bit during The Funny Dancers' lewd routine. Also: what Gallagher sketches?! I have no memory of these.

Hope we meet you both at the next one, where we can ruin your son for life.

STUBBORNNESS

For the past... what, three, four years or so? - since we first watched Found Footage together - my girlfriend has routinely referred to her (many, various) moisturising creams, face masks, lipbalms etc. as her Poupon. ​Her skin-care regime is intricate and diligent, whereas mine is, well, non-existent. In fact, I hate the feeling of any such oily moisturising gunk on my skin, and refuse all her attempts to get me to participate in the emollient rituals she considers so vital: it's one of those joyous mutual stubbornnesses that all good relationships hinge upon.And so it comes to pass that, every night at bedtime, my girlfriend asks me if she can poupon my face.You did this, Biffo.  Hope you're proud.Grant Honey

Hurrah! I'm so proud that my thorax just burst.

AWFUL

Hello!I'm zany comedian Noel Fielder from the Giant England cooking channel.I'm very disappointed in you appropriating my ideas for your little "show". The character of "Beanus" is clearly based on that time I said "suck my beans" on the Twitter, and "Forever Baby" looks an awful lot like my own offspring, "Moonwalk Transistor". Coincidence?These days I sell curtains (and carpet cleaning equipment) on QVC. It makes me a living and I'm given as much free Shake n Vac as I can eat.So please, stop stealing my ideas. Otherwise I'll send my friend Charlie Brooker round to break your legs. Yours, Noel Fielder(Comedian)PS. I think "Rubber Harris" is a dig at my plastic willy. 

Oh, Noel! You are a crazy fellow! No wonder I steal all my ideas from you.

ANTS

Biffo, once again thank you for a sterling whole day of entertainment, it was a delight to see so many happy faces before and after the show.I think maybe next year we should start at 5pm and then maybe there'll be no over-runs...It was fabulous to watch the Found Footage before the show too, and that got such a good reaction in the room (I personally was in tears through Omelette Ants, gets me every time) - and I think I've figured out why I love FF so much... it feels so dystopian, as if it were filmed around the time of nuclear cold war, and it tickles that particular weird bone in a funny way.​I have no idea if that was the aesthetic you were going for or whether it was just the old VHS era kind of vibe in general, but Xenoxxx DEFINITELY shouts radioactive wasteland at me!Thank you to you, Sanja, and all of the team for another wonderful evening!DJChizzles

The weirdest, most sort of alienating aspect of being backstage was that once the videos were playing there was no way to hear the audience. Consequently, for me... Found Footage sounded like it went down like a lead balloon. I'm glad it didn't. Thanking you.​Yeah, all the Xenoxxx stuff is meant to be very dystopian... but a kind of capitalist dystopia, if that makes a certain sense. A world stripped bare by rampant consumerism. There are layers to it, but I prefer people to make their own interpretations. ​Also, it's about poo and bums.

STOMACH​

I was at the live show on Saturday, honestly one of my favourite shows I've been to, my stomach still aches from laughing. My favourite segments were Found Footage and the supernatural one. The whole team clearly put in a lot of love and work into the whole event and I'm looking forward to the next! Hope you're having a great day.Ash

Glad you liked the Supernatural World segment, Ash. Though I fear that my diarrhoea wasn't clearly visible from the audience. Shame, because it was actually real.

PARTISAN

We didn't get to meet as I'm a bit of an anxious snowflake so ran off at the end of the show, but maybe next time! Still, really enjoyed Digi 2.0 and it was my first trip out of Manchester since Feb 2020, what with all the COVID stuffs. Definite highlights for me were the Tea Prancer, the truly bizarre animations of those things doing those strange coitus things (you know what I mean), and whoever that was doing ballet was really good at it. Otherwise just really digged the welcoming and partisan (wildly so) crowd and the total ridiculous pointlessness of the whole thing. In being so utterly ridiculous, it entered a new realm of staggeringly important relevance. And I believe that's just the outright joys of silliness for you. So thanks for that. The double vodka and coke prices at the bar were very cheap as well, with excellent straws. +1 right there. Bestest regards, Alex "Wapojif" Morris

Once again, I never even made it to the bar. I barely ate on Digi Live day either, to the point I had such a calorie deficit that I couldn't stop shaking when I got home, and it took me until about Tuesday for my hunger to subside. And I still can't stop shakin'!

BEWILDERING

I've written 7/8 emails now about how Digi Live 2.0 acted like a little beacon of hope and normality during lockdown after lockdown. I've deleted them every time before sending. Why? Because Digi Live wasn't a beacon of hope, or a glimmer at the end of the tunnel in the end.As I stood in a car park surrounded by friends and "online" acquaintances I hadn't seen in over a year, Digi Live revealed itself as a thundering behemoth - a Xenoxxx branded juggernaut of lasers, smoke and noise. An unstoppable freight train of chaos, poo, laughter and friends.I wasn't involved in any way in the show itself, yet I somehow I felt proud of what the team had achieved, I felt relief that is was happening and so, so much joy it was a little bewildering - you've created a family with Digi and Digi Live is the yearly reunion where patriarch Biffo gets squiffy on brandy and says a swear.Thank you to Biffo, Sanja, Gannon, Eli, Quang, Ryan, Sooz and everyone else that made it possible!Anyway, apologies, that's a soppy rambling one. Instead, how about I ask who drove into the bins with the van, and was it because Mr. T was shouting at you?Kindest Regards,Skor

This risks sounding like false sincerity - and I hope it doesn't come across like that - but last Saturday was something we all achieved together. Without the audience, we'd have just been a bunch of lunatics in a room. With an audience - who felt it was worth risking the pandemic to be there - we had a show. It's a two-way thing.​The audience was warm and supportive, and prepared to join in. It made the show, it gave us the fuel to keep going. You were all brilliant.

Yes, I drove the van into some bins, and lost my excess (thankfully I'd paid a reduced excess, but between that and the overrunning we were down £500 on the night). Apropos nothing: www.patreon.com/mrbiffo

NICHE

Much like the first one, it’s hard to quite describe the feeling of Digi Live, an incredibly unique and niche non-stop show of chaos (even when it goes right) and laughs. Me and my friends have been quoting it and laughing over the content ever since we left the Arts Centre…​Even if one of them doesn’t understand Found Footage and had a moment of panic at the start that the entire show was going to be like that! It was nice to travel out of the West Country into London to see a show again, almost felt normal! It was made even better by being surrounded by a community of genuinely nice people who also ensured the energy in the room throughout the whole show was great. I loved being able to just be silly and sing along to songs about the bowel movements of respected industry icons knowing everyone else was joining in. Also, huge respect to everyone who worked behind the scenes, the fact that the evening went off without anything going obviously wrong is a testament to the hard work everyone put in. Thanks to all,Tom

Your friend's moment of panic has amused me no end. I hope the panic continued when the second half began with even more Found Footage. 

NOT LAUGHED

I had a wonderful evening. Not laughed so much in ages. It reminded me of seeing Vic and Bob live for the 1st time in 1990.Sad I couldn't hang around after to buy some merch and meet you all. Curious to know if your Mother enjoyed the show?Cheers,Windy Miller

Honestly, I don't know if my mother enjoyed herself, or even knew what was happening. She's more or less blind, so could only hear what was going on. Plus she was meant to have a seat at the front, but there was some sort of confusion and she ended up a few rows back. And there an issue with her wheelchair, which I didn't understand when she explained it to me. Ultimately... I don't really know what the issues were, but there were loads of them, and they were more important than what she thought about the show that she couldn't even see anyway.

GENUINELY HAVEN'T LAUGHED

I was at Digitiser Live on Saturday and it was one of the best evenings I've had in a while.​I've been listening to Cheapshow and watching the Digitiser YouTube channel for a long time now and it was absolutely fantastic to see this live.I genuinely haven't laughed that hard in so long.​Thanks for a great night!Eoghan

We are very happy that we made you laugh hard, Eggham.

SWINE

I took two people who had never watched anything Digitiser before, and they want to go to the next one. If that’s an indicator of how good the show was then job done.I also loved how you can just straight up over run by an entire hour and still have to cut sketches out, you mad bunch of swine.Are you ever going to reveal what was on the pants or in those boxes?Jae aka J Is Manchild, Tunbridge Wells

The pants were just dirty poo smells. The boxes... some people have guessed, or managed to get the answer out of Sooz. The contents of the worst box have yet to be revealed. When I had the idea I didn't know if I would be able to go through with it, and Sanja was adamant that I shouldn't. But then I did anyway.Glad your mates enjoyed it! That is a real big testament of yeah.

CRYING

Just to say how much I truly enjoyed Saturday. It was my first night out since March 2020. It was strange to be out if I'm honest.One thing I love about the Digi community is how relaxed it is. Although I didn't know or chat to anyone, my choice, it's just what I'm like, I still had a tea bag given to me from my seated neighbour after tea prancers deluge and packets of crisps from a gent in a Tyne Tees t-shirt (the lovely Stuart).For me my highlights: the opening 'countdown' and David Braben's second poo, Sooz's American accent, Supernatural World, the Top Ten countdown had me crying laughing so hard, Sexy Christmas USA, corner shop corner live worm special, Sanja's line of 'I'm not having them they're not gluten free' getting a huge laugh from the audience, Live Tony Harris, Cheddar Man and The Man's Daddy videos and of course Beanus.I could watch a Beanus gameshow all day long. His 'I've got my eye on you' to Gannon had me howling. We think you are awesome... Oh alarms gone off, best go!Steph is real tired of this 

Yes, hats off to Sooz for her accent. Also, I struggled to hold it together when she introduced herself as 'Catherine' for some reason. She's brilliant.

FLESH

Quite simply this was a superb show that delivered everything people love about Digitiser. Was great to see the Found Footage bits come to life, and see the bum faces in the flesh!Everyone gave such an honest and heartfelt performance, loved that there was a Cheapshow segment too. Paul and Eli must have been chuffed.The hard work and effort put in by everyone was visibly clear and 100% appreciated. So well bloody done everyone.Quick question to end, what did the ballerina think of it all ?!Master of the Porridge

The ballerina had to watch the show from the wings, so I'm not sure what she could really see. But put it this way... usually when we put our Digi videos on the TV, the kids leave the room.

FUMES

What a night. I thought you'd have excelled yourselves first time round, but I was wrong. Live Footage - what an experience. You'll have Ridley Scott on the phone after that climax.Chris Jerden-Cooke screaming "GUITAR" was a particular highlight for me. Even then, he's a musical genius.The better half has a keen interest in monarchy, particularly the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha era. So it was good to boast to her that she missed out on a deeply thorough paranormal investigation into Prince Albert. I can't thank you enough for that.I'd also like to thank some members of the audience that were within my vicinity, who seemed adamant that I should inhale the somewhat potent fumes of a pair of Y-Fronts that were thrown at me. Actually, I retract that. It was... an experience. Cheers, Gannon.Every member of the team who put together such a brilliant night should be extremely proud of themselves for what they achieved. Bravo.edthepenguin

Yes, masses of credit must go to CJJC for all his contributions - and for pushing himself out of his comfort zone to sing at the end. For that, credit needs to go to the audience for making him feel welcome.

SEX PARTY

I am a long-standing Digi stalwart. I remember when Digi first launched, and taking an instant dislike to The Man With a Long Chin. With time, he won me over. I wrote the occasional letter to Digitiser, and occasionally they were published.I'm sure you remember my rant about how "PGA Tour Golf on the Sega Megadrive is infinitely inferior to the PC version" as fondly as I do. And yes, I was the one who sent the letter about Dominik Diamond's uncouth lavatory behaviours. Those were the days, eh?I remember back in the mid 90s buying a TV tuner card for my PC, just so I could cache Digi without having to wait for the carousel thing to change pages. Towards the end of the last century, I remember being an active member on Usenet's alt.digitiser. Oh, the abuse...Donna, to her infinite credit, used to read Digi every day when she came home from school, or so she tells me. Fast forward a while, and two marriage breakups later (one for each of us) I was supremely delighted when I happened upon your YouTube and web presence. I was particularly delighted to discover the pilot for Biffovision, a work of supreme genius that is also one of my son's favourites (he's 19, and uses it to vet the suitability of potential girlfriends). Anyhoo... when Donna was browsing the scrapheap of broken souls, she found me, tattered and torn, dusted me off, and asked me: DO YOU LIKE DIGITISER? Ok, that didn't happen, but I did sit her down to watch Biffovision with me early on in the proceedings.Donna wasn't so keen on Lost Footage / Found Footage as I was. What Donna really enjoyed was the lockdown chats we'd have on the sofa. Lockdown was shit, but when we were sat with Paul and Sanja, eating stupid food or whatever from the corner shop (a game we'd often play ourselves beforehand, usually involving weird variants of crisps or Jaffa Cakes), the world seemed right.Yes, you heard that right. When the world was turning to shit, and it closed our business, and shattered our dreams, you were both there to help us smile and get through it all, and we thank you both.Fast forward a little longer, and I bought a ticket to Digi Live. Donna was on the fence initially. She thought she wouldn't have a clue what was going on (!). We bit the bullet and bought her a ticket too. Fast forward (again) to about a week ago. We were so sad to see the daily tweets and Facebook posts from all the people who couldn't make it to Digi Live. We could feel Paul's anxiety all the way up the M1 as he was worrying that only 5 people would turn up. We were determined to be there, come rain or shine. And boy, did it rain. The week before Digi Live was filled with a family crisis so dark and draining, and it wasn't looking good. Happily, the clouds broke sufficiently for us to get in the car, drive down the M1, and we were on our way. Yay!I suppose I should actually talk about the show now? Oh, alright then. Things are probably a bit jumbled up, but here you go.Donna and I were surprised and delighted that we bagged the best seats in the house - front row, middle seats. We wondered why they weren't reserved or taken, which in hindsight was probably for worm-related reasons. Donna was anxious that she wouldn't understand what was going on, despite the briefing I'd given her previously.First up - a musical extravaganza dedicated to a man I admire greatly, Mr David Braben. I had to remind Donna who we were singing about, and she joined in with gusto. It really was a surreal delight to be singing about poo for 5 minutes, whilst watching all the gang being the gang. Sanja, you owned that part of the show; grace and beauty in a world gone mental.Also, Gannon needs to learn how to throw properly (more on that later).Then the safety briefing. I was on the edge of my seat, hoping that Mr Safety from Biffovision would make an appearance. Instead, it was a man dressed as a bird, and amusingly, the man's voice could not be heard because of the thick rubber bird mask he was wearing.I seem to remember a testy exchange between the man dressed as a bird and the man known as Gannon, which of course amused Donna. Don't tell anyone, but Donna has a bit of a soft-spot for Mr Gannon, and he pressed her buttons all night as he playfully sulked through the show.If my memory serves me correctly, (and, let's face it, my mind was already blown,) we had a quiz about video games. I was delighted that the bucket of balls had been named something ambiguous (was it Nivin's Pranny?). And we did a fun quiz on video games. I was particularly amused by Sooz's ET game; was it ET's Sex Party? And where can I acquire a copy?Did the Tea Prancer show up at this point? Want to know some fun facts about the Tea Prancer? He's a dinky minikin, who serves his tea hot and brown - just how I like it! I love the Tea Prancer. Donna does not. She can't even hear the Tea Prancer music without having a little meltdown, and I should know, because I whistle it to her often. Ryan is a superb Tea Prancer; the role he was born for.Sensorium Girlybox! Live on stage! Sexy Christmas USA! What a treat for the eyes and ears this one was, although the sexy man did seem to be struggling to remain conscious at times.Supernatural World! Sargent Pepper and Queen Victoria! (Eli was resplendent, and yes Paul, you were dapper). I chuckled hard when the man known as Gannon chastised Eli for his choice of his character's name. "Leave it to me, I'll make something up on the night, it will be funny" or some such. It was around this time that Donna faux-complained that her cheeks hurt from too much laughing.I was almost decapitated by a flying canvas. The fellow behind me was actually decapitated by a flying canvas. Gannon!Interval! I took too long taking a wee, and Donna was annoyed because she didn't have time to go. Luckily she has a strong constitution, and it didn't impinge on our enjoyment of the remainder of the show.Second half!Everest. Ever-est. Eve-r-est. *Punchline redacted*That goujon is a proper whopper, sir!Corner Shop Corner! Corner Shop Corner! Worms edition? Tony Harris! There were two things that stood out for me in this section: 1. Paul really doesn't like being accused of ripping off Noel Fielding, something I'd already learned from Twitter. 2. Sanja is really generous with her worms.​Donna's had a bit of a go at me for taking and eating the worms - apparently I was only supposed to observe them, not help myself like a greedy kid in Woolworth's Pick and Mix.Cheapshow! The Price is Shite! The contestant reminded me a bit of the Tea Prancer. Was it in this section that Mr Gannon returned some magazines to someone in the front row? What were the magazines? Did we witness a crime?Beans! Biffo's sister! Terrible smells! (Not blaming Sarah for the terrible smells. I think we all know whose fault that was.) Such a terrible shame we ran out of time for the whole section. I caught a glimpse of some Mr Beans and Sean Beans on our way out, and some cows or something. What's the theme? Not cows! I was hoping I was going to get pinched, but no, that one can stay on the bucket list.Let's get Tony hoooooome! Poor Janet and her oddly-placed nipples. It really is sad. I don't think Buzz Aldrin would qualify as a friend of Digitiser.I almost forgot Cheddar Man! What a neanderthal I am. Sigh. He was awesome, and fully understand why he was done on film and not live.To sum it all up: what an experience! There's no way I could describe what we witnessed to any normal sane person. Simply amazing. Thank you to everyone who helped put on this marvellous spectacle, which will long stay in my fondest of memories, or until they are repressed for my own safety.Anyway, that's the end of my ramble. 10 out of 10, would Digi Live again.And my bonus question: Will we ever get any more Scranton K? Lots of love,Andy and absent Donna x x x 

Well, all that is very lovely. Thank you, the both of you. A few people told Sanja and I that our sofa chats helped them through Lockdown. It helped us too. We're not going anywhere.And oddly... once people started giving away their tickets, all the anxiety about nobody turning up evaporated. That said, on the day I think we were all taken aback that every seat somehow seemed to be filled. Hurrah.

AVERAGE

Just wanted to share what a fantastic, unique, eye-opening, manic experience it was for Tori and I to be a part of Digitiser Live 2.0!  We had quite a busy morning, moving out things (and children) back into our own house after living out while some building work was (almost!) completed - managing to set off on our two hour drive just in time to arrive for rehearsals. A warm welcome was received from Steve Horsenburger Horsley as we parked up and were escorted straight backstage to prepare for our roles as Goujon John and one of his bumfaced minions!There was much bewilderment as none of our "half-time show" [(c) Sooz Kempner] crew had the faintest idea what we were going to be up to - this just added to the excitement, to be honest.  I'd met some of them before (particularly Sam who was on the Found Footage panel with me at the previous Chunky Fringe) but even as relative strangers we all got into our roles with gusto.Sanja handed me the LED mask (which was/is amazing - I didn't know such a thing existed) and everything you'd hinted at became clearer!  It was great to see you had everything "blocked out" to sync up with the prepared video/cues etc. - this left me free to only have to worry about tripping on my cape (cape!) and Tori to get to grips with wearing a mask that had no eye holes whatsoever...We were then free to enjoy the first half of the show, with a building sense of anticipation for our 'big moment'...  Rushing backstage at the interval to find Sooz, Gannon, Eli, et. al. in various states of costume/makeup panic was brilliant and somehow calming that everyone was in the same barely organised boat! ​It wasn't long before I was standing in the wings waiting for my cue to walk onstage and once again reprise 'my' role as Goujon John himself...  I could hear my heart beating over the audio of the backing video - what if my mask fell off?  What if I fell off the stage entirely?  What if I missed my cue?Turned out it was actually very empowering to wave my arms about pulling unseen faces at the front few rows of the audience while all the lights and smoke went on unseen - I really had no idea what was going on behind us until I saw the photos people put up on Twitter afterwards - it looked EPIC.  I might get one of them framed...Extra credit to Tori for finding her way off stage blind after she lost her grip on the bumface in front - I think that she even got a laugh to round off the segment!We then got to watch from the side of the stage as Tony Harris ranted about a certain Bake Off host - one of my personal highlights of the evening - before creeping back to our seats to enjoy the end of the show.  Can't wait to watch the whole thing back on video...Not your average Saturday night, that's for sure.  Thanks for having us!Steve (and Tori) BakerPS. Tori said yesterday: "Who even is David Braden?  I've had that fucking song stuck in my head for days!"

I knew you'd be the man to pull off Goujon John. So to speak. You were all brilliant. Tori, Sam, Jim, Fred, Peter - and you. Genuinely unnerving.That said, even after our rehearsal, and figuring out the lighting cues... I still didn't expect the final result to look as spectacular as it did. Suffice to say, now I know what's possible... it has me excited for the next Digi Live. I'm so excited I've got foam coming out of my hat!

DISGUSTING

I made the decision on a whim very late on to go to Digitiser Live 2.0, after hearing that there were a small number of tickets left for sale at the end of the Q&A video. And what a whim it turned out to be. After attending an event a month or so earlier where attendance figures were impacted by the current situation, being part of an audience that felt so big and complete was incredible. And it fit so well with a show with such powerful lighting and sound. The look of it was incredible; an art piece on its own at times. The segment that sticks with me most is The Golden Bean. Being able to laugh at something so much that it hurts is a magical feeling, and that’s what I got every time with the Golden Bean videos. Seeing it live was even better – having Beanus in the flesh, and Tweedy’s overbearing portrait taking pride of place on a stage, was truly special. Hearing the phone ring during Bean Or No Bean, and having Beanus speak to The Banker was a masterstroke. But it’s hard to highlight Beanus without acknowledging how great the show was overall. Corner Shop Corner was excellent with the dynamic of Sanja being the knowledge-imparting host and the guests despairing at having to eat more disgusting worms; the show within a show of Cheapshow being exactly as you’d want and expect; the Goujon John address flanked by the finest arses on faces around; and the search for Prince Albert’s ghostly enigma – the list goes on. The whole thing feel like one magnificent whirlwind; an event I couldn’t possibly explain. Now my task is to turn the sea of mystery faces in the crowd into people in future I look at, and think “oh, yeah, that’s who they are”. Overall, it’s going to be (by far and away) the best event of this year I’ve attended. From the very edge of the Tyne Tees region,Joe Spivey

You say whirlwind... that's how it felt for us. I know we overran, but it still feels like we were only on stage for about 20 minutes. It's the only real downside of doing these live shows (that and unpacking the van); they're all over in a flash. Sanja has a pelvic organ prolapse every time I mention this, but I really want to do a Digitiser Weekend. 

SCARRED

Thank you for the super entertainment this past Saturday. First big out out since the pandemic began and was impressed with the set up. It all felt safe. Well…. until the show started and we were all mentally scarred for life.As you know, Beanus is like Father Christmas to my 7 year old. He’s seen him on the tv, he knows someone’s inside that bean outfit…he just can’t quite put two and two together. “Is mr Biffo really Beanus and acting” he asked, as a child from a normal household would ask if their dear daddy was dressed as Father Christmas. “Who knows!” said I, “That’s why it’s all so magical!”He draws pictures of Beanus as seen in some of your episodes. He showed my mother a video of Beanus and my mum was absolutely terrified and said it was reminiscent of the bloke who got his face burned in the 80’s. Can’t remember his name. She retched a little bit which I thought a bit much.Anyway my little lad was very jealous I got to see Beanus et al and I know I wasn’t able to meet you in person due to the long drive home - please can smol child have a signed Beanus postcard at some point to preserve the magic of Beanmas.​Thanks for a glorious evening. Laughed so hard I nearly did a wee.RP (and le hub) x

Drop us an email at digitiser2000@gmail.com and we shall send him a Beanus autograph. It's the least we can do; we've still got his portrait of Beanus up on our fridge!

BITS

Very exciting to see a Friday letters page! How're you all doing? Are you feeling all rested up and better from the chaos of Digi Live? How are you feeling about the show now you're a little bit separated from it? What bits do you think went best, and which bits do you wish could have gone differently.It was really lovely to be at the show and to see how your performing skills and stage presence have grown since the last one. It was WONDERFUL to see Sanja on stage and being effervescent, too. I really, truly love the energy you two have together and it was wonderful to see it in real life.I hope you're all having a lovely time and are feeling optimistic about future Digi endeavors! Roll on the Kickstarter for the show series 2!Best wishes and love,Chai :)

Sanja and I are both still quite tired from the show, but physically it feels like we've recovered a lot quicker than last time. I guess we've got a few more years in us yet! The only downside is I'm still struggling to switch off my fight-or-flight, which is REALLY annoying. I think I was a coiled spring leading up to the show, and that has yet to settle down. 

CHILDISH

Oh dear... an invite for long letters about Digi Live? I get a bit nervous about writing these sorts of things, I fear becoming "that one fan who won't stop trying to talk to me", but I do feel I should tell you what a great show Digi Live 2.0 was and some thoughts on the creative decisions you've talked about since making Digitiser The Show.A lot of the comments on Sunday mentioned a feeling of "exactly what I needed after the last year", and I realised that's true for me also. Not just the experience of going to A Thing after months of being cooped up, either.It's more that after a year where the only link with the outside world has been a constant stream of horrible people doing horrible things, it's a welcome break to venture into the real world and find a corner full of people spending their time making Spectrum games and doing clever things with Teletext.It's weird to review a show in terms of its audience, but I think that's what makes Digitiser. Last time I only turned up for the show, and wished I'd joined for the events around it. This time I wished I'd taken the car, so I didn't have to dash for the last train across the perimeter before the Devil Dogs moved in. (Or have to feel guilty about taking up time chatting to you early on knowing people in the queue would also be thinking about train timetables)I think this comes down to something you've talked about on a couple of the interview videos; the constraints of having an audience who are there for "gaming" rather than "Digitiser". For me, Digi Live 2.0 showed that breaking free of that typecast was the right choice creatively.It had bits of classic characters, bits of Found Footage and Xenoxx, paranormal investigation, Beanus, Tony Harris and even some retro gaming... all different, but all of them recognisably part of the Biffoverse. I reckon that's why things like "Mount Everest Only 6p" go down so well.You know when something starts like that there's going to be an unexpected release, because that's how the Biffoverse works, but also no idea whether it'll descend deep into the Xenoxxx conspiracy or turn into a poo joke.And you have an audience who are there for the Biffoverse itself, which is why there's such a great atmosphere and reaction when the Funny Dancers come on, or a dystopian sausage catalogue turns into a Visit Scotland advert.(Alright, maybe that last one went over a few heads. But that's what makes Found Footage great.)Another thing that carries exceptionally well from the "Biffo manages to set his hair on fire attempting to Hadouken himself" nature of the videos is the sense everything is careening along moments from total collapse. Not the knowing, wink-to-the-audience type of carefully rehearsed "and here's the bit where it goes wrong", but more the kind of gleeful chaos where Gannon has to run off stage bent double from corpsing or there's an extended rant of, "look, this section doesn't work if I don't know which side of the stage people are coming from, that's why we have cues".It reminds me a bit of distant school days in which a drama teacher would foolishly let the kids from the back row direct and perform a play. Which I guess has been the Digitiser vibe all the way back from the Teletext days - someone has made the mistake of leaving the naughty kids alone to accomplish a task.Why does this make the surrounding Chunky Fringe and after-show chats so nice? I'm not sure, but I have a feeling there's something about people who continue to enjoy absurdist humour into their 40s, 50s and beyond rather than deciding it's silly and childish.​Thank you for continuing to create it, and for doing what you want to do creatively. The audience may be smaller, but it's a well-curated one.Look forward to future events!Matt

Ah man. Thank you, Matt. The whole chaos/total collapse thing is something Gannon and I talked about a lot when we first started doing stuff together. He calls it 'professional unprofessionalism', and we've both got the same ethos. It's why we keep collaborating. Basically, what I try to do is kind of bake the potential for errors into everything we make... so, we'll make a segment deliberately overcomplicated, or put someone in an unwieldy costume, or under-explain to the participants what's going on... and then either not rehearse at all, or do the bare minimum of rehearsal.

​My favourite comedy is where it feels like they're winging it all the time, and just making it up as they go along. I always loved it when my favourite comedians corpsed. I find that flying by the seat of our pants thing really exciting, especially live.Corner Shop Corner and The Golden Bean - now up on YouTube - are a good example; nobody apart from me knew exactly what was going to happen. Not even Sanja knew fully. I love getting reactions that are real. People can smell inauthenticity, and it becomes a barrier between the people on stage and the audience. If we're all similarly in the dark about what's going to happen we're all, hopefully, pulling for it to work. Or not work. 

ARSES

Wow, what a batshit-surreal, yet hilarious night. From Found Footage, to Beanus and so much mayhem in between. Toilet rolls in all directions, being tea-bagged... the Blade Runner intro then becoming David Braben’s nightmare. So many characters, so many changes of direction.... a takeover by Cheap Show (lovely surprise)... The whole show just flowed, and sadly, so did the time. Felt like minutes, yet the show over-ran and could have kept going. You know it’s a great show when you can’t tell if the cock-ups are scripted (a-la “Bottom”)  or genuine. Great to see some old faces and meet some new ones. Some travelled many miles for the show, and everybody looked like they had a great time. Except maybe David Braben the next day. A lot of work went into this, that was clear, especially when, thanks to Covid, everything was up in the air, and there was always that chance the night wouldn’t happen. The props (GIVE ME THAT GOUJON), the outfits (especially in the opening number)... all amazing. Mr. B, Sanja... everyone involved, I tip my hat. That was my first night out since the pandemic started, and it more than made up for the wait. 10/10. Only bummer was I couldn’t hang at the end as would have loved to get some photos and some goodies. ARSES. 3.0? Much love and guff.Clive

Cheers, Clivester. See the answer above regarding the scripted cock-ups! We meant to leave the giant goujon out so people could get a photo with it, but... it got put in the back of the van, and we didn't have the energy. Shame. That was three days' work.

FICTION

Hi Mr. Biffo,Apparently there are letters again this week.  Anyway I bet everyone else has already told you what a lovely time they had at Digi Live 2.0 (as did we, and it was a delight to see Beanus live, and Tony Harris, and the maniacal Tea Prancer) so thought I'd return to form and write about water related tat and maybe draw a picture.A good way to meet people while boating is to drive past their boats at 3mph, usually they'll come out and wave at you when you do this. I've heard rumours that apparently this causes Welsh Dressers (whatever they are) to fall over as well, although I can't see why you'd need wobbly Welsh people to dress you, so it may just be a fiction.And taking inspiration from Tony Harris's rightful ridicule of Noel Fielding, I've done a picture of an inanimate object combined with something else in an unexpected location which automatically makes it funny.  I call it 'Poodriver on Tour'.

Mr.S (the one with Mr.J (the wife))

Oh man! It's like an episode of The Mighty Boosh!!!

HAPHAZARD

Congratulations on a brilliant show on Saturday, it was a true lightning in a bottle moment where you had to be there! As well as the show being a brilliant, beautiful experience, Saturday was one of the best days of my life too! I got to make new friends, new connections and I've come away with the greatest feeling of all, acceptance.You can't put a price on that.One reason I'm messaging you is regarding the XL Cheese Crisps. I hope you don't mind that I become impromptu fast food vendor at half time. I'd brought 100 bags to share all the way from Carlisle, they sat in the car park for a bit during the afternoon, but hardly anyone was taking them. So when it came time to go inside, I decided I had to go for the hard sell. I didn't want to make an exhibition of myself, (well, I already was with my trousers!).But, once I started handing them out to people, it slowly snowballed. People were hungry and it filled a little gap! While I was haphazardly chucking them out, I was terrified I'd be kicked out or hauled backstage for a telling off.But I thought, "People seem to be enjoying them! Let's go for it!". I'd already decided to give the remainder to you and the team, for doing such a brilliant show, so I slipped it into the van when it was being loaded up. I wish I'd stuck around, as there was a big queue to see you when I got back 10 minutes later. So, I'm sorry I missed you and the team, but there'll always be next time! If there is a next time, I'll bring more crisps! So thank you for a great show, and thank you for acceptance and making my long trip down to London enjoyable. I will return. Oh, and you probably noticed during the bit where you did Runaround, Kim Justice turned to the audience and went "Yes, thank you Stuart!" That was directed at me, as I've sent her old episodes of Runaround to show on her streams! There was one with a man who made a knife with 1,822 blades which Kim liked!​But anyways, congratulations on a brilliant show, here's to Digitiser The Show Series 2 and maybe Digi Live 3!Thank you all!

Stuart Kenny

Well done, Stuart. The XL crisps were a big highlight of the night for people - and suffice to say we've already necked a ton of them. I think even my mother got a bag. And I'm not talking about her colostomy pouch!!!!!!

UNFORTUNATE

1. If you could play a character in a Star Wars movie or write a Star Wars movie, which would you choose? If the former, would you want to be some alien character so you were unrecognisable under lots of makeup/latex and such or play a human character?2. A question for both you and Sanja, what was your favourite part of the first Digi Live and now the second? (unfortunately I couldn't go to either so i'm eagerly awaiting the video of the second one!)(Just) Steve

1. Oh jeez. Maybe one where they'd pay for me to go to the gym for six months beforehand. Failing that, an alien.2. For me, highlight of the first one it was the reaction it got, that so many people enjoyed it. For Sanja, because she was busy backstage it was getting to talk to people afterwards. On the second one, I loved The Golden Bean. I could've just done that all night. And I loved feeling more confident on stage. And meeting so many people after, though I felt bad we couldn't speak to everyone. For Sanja, she too loved the meet-and-greet, but her real highlight was dancing with those amazing wings during David Braben.Oh, wait! I've thought of another highlight. When Sanja first came on stage and somebody shouted "We love you, Sanja!". I can't tell you how proud I was.

ALMOST COMFORTABLE

The unpacking isn't finished, and I haven't even started the thank-you emails to all the Chunky Fringe contributors. So here's to those who I don't have an email address for.To all those who left the fizzy pop scene in the car park to risk coming indoors for Chunky Fringe and The Antique Code Show. We were there for our own amusement, but it's always more fun with an audience.To the fizzy pop scene, who barely passed comment when I jogged through carrying what were quite clearly Mr T's bins. It's nice to see people enjoy themselves, even though Digitiser is worrying enough when sober.To the mystery cosplayer, who you should definitely employ to appear on the Digitiser channel as Rich Uncle Beanus. You were terrifying.To Paul Gannon, who kept tabs on fizzy pop consumption, and was unfazed by my ill-considered backstage invasion. You are the real Mr Safety.To Nadia at Harrow Arts Centre, who accommodated all the last-minute logistical shuffling, and never once questioned why you chose to call Chunky Fringe "Hot Squid" on your official booking form.As for Digitiser Live, it oddly felt almost comfortable. Even the Sonic business, relatively speaking, but the greatest hits are comforting in uncertain times. My favourite part was Xenoxxx, one pop tune short of the KLF. It must mean another Found Footage movie. I mean, you can't keep an 8ft polystyrene goujon in your Dad's garage forever.David Walford

If it makes you feel any better, David, we unpacked the van on Monday, and the stuff has just sat in our back room ever since. We've not had the energy. And you've hit the nail on the head with mentioning 'greatest hits'. That's precisely why some of the more familiar elements were in there. I'd hope they'd be comforting. Next time might be completely different. I've thanked you multiple times since Saturday, but I'll do it once more publicly; you're a massive part of why the show worked so well, from putting on Chunky Fringe to paying for our rehearsal time, to supplying us all with water. You're a star.Anyway. Right. Thanks, everyone. Support the new series of Digitiser The Show on Kickstarter later this month. Or come and sign up to Patreon, where there's something new all the time!

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This Month in....1985 (ZX Spectrum)


1 Alien 8

2 Knight Lore

3 Match Day

4 Everyone's A Wally

5 Spy Hunter

6 Underwurlde

7 Bruce Lee

8 Skool Daze

9 Starion

10 Raid Over Moscow


ZX Spectrum Charts taken from Crash

Others will be added when available

This Month in....1990 (ZX Spectrum)


1 Fantasy World Dizzy

2 Paperboy

3 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

4 Treasure Island Dizzy

5 Rock Star

6 Thomas the Tank Engine

7 Buggy Boy

8 Ghosts & Goblins

9 Yogi's Great Escape

10 Wonderboy


All Charts taken from C&VG

This Month in....1995 (SNES)


1 International Super Soccer

2 Unirally

3 Super Punchout

4 Secret of Mana

5 Donkey Kong


Sega Charts taken from C&VG

Nintendo Charts taken from C&VG

Amiga Charts taken from Amiga Format or C&VG

This Month in....1997 (Saturn)


1 Fighters MegaMix

2 Command and Conquer

3 Manx TT

4 FIFA '97

5 Soviet Strike

6 Saturn Bomberman

7 Virtua Cop 2

8 Die Hard Arcade

9 Tomb Raider

10 Dark Saviour


Sega Saturn Charts from Sega Saturn Magazine, with thanks to @SegaMags

This Month in....2000 (PC)


1 Championship Manager - Season 99/00

2 The Sims

3 Starlancer

4 C&C: Tiberian Sun

5 C&C: Tiberian Sun Firestorm

6 Unreal Tournament

7 Half-Life

8 Half-Life Opposing Force

9 Half-Life Generations

10 Delta Force 2


N64 & PlayStation Charts taken from C&VG

PC Charts taken from PC Zone

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Tue Jun 14 12:41:23 +0000 2022

@RetroGamingRev1 Hi again - I've been talking to @LarryBundyJr and @nostalnerd about some podcasting this summer, but it hasn't happened yet. Please listen to elevator music for a bit longer :)

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Liked: 1
Thu Jun 09 11:32:23 +0000 2022

@SpectrumTinted Hoppy birthday x

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Liked: 1
Sat Jun 04 10:25:17 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @Tezmondo74 @SpectrumTinted Them's the best friend rules, as explained by Rosie. All for one and one for all.

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Liked: 3
Sat Jun 04 10:09:53 +0000 2022

@Tezmondo74 @SpectrumTinted I think ySuwon would be more suitable. https://t.co/gibJpPIoTI

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Liked: 2
Fri Jun 03 11:08:55 +0000 2022

RT @furtlerTV: Looking over some of the recent sega magazines put online. @VioletBerlin: Reasonably argued 90s interview about sexism in t…

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Liked: 0
Thu Jun 02 19:37:33 +0000 2022

@SpectrumTinted @Lord_Arse @Norgans @quangdx Funny AND true.

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Liked: 1
Thu Jun 02 19:33:01 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @SpectrumTinted @Norgans @quangdx 🤣

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Liked: 1
Thu Jun 02 19:29:29 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @SpectrumTinted @Norgans @quangdx Our tattoos are Earthworm Jim tattoos, which I insist on all my BFFs having.

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Liked: 4
Thu Jun 02 19:26:14 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @SpectrumTinted @Norgans Too late, I've already invited @quangdx to be the new Honny. We're tattoo-twins so it's only right and proper.

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Liked: 4
Thu Jun 02 18:59:20 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @SpectrumTinted @Norgans Baggsy Yekki

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Liked: 4
Thu Jun 02 18:51:40 +0000 2022

@Lord_Arse @SpectrumTinted @Norgans Do we need to get one of those heart necklaces broken into 5 pieces, one each? Or better still, get a few more pieces, room for BFF expansion.

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Liked: 5
Thu Jun 02 18:46:19 +0000 2022

@SpectrumTinted @Lord_Arse @Norgans Let's make that happen :)

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Fri May 27 06:54:06 +0000 2022

@SpectrumTinted @paullicino Flower names are OBVIOUSLY the best, Rosie dear.😘

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Liked: 5
Tue May 24 19:18:39 +0000 2022

RT @MegaBitesBlog: A rare glimpse behind the scenes at Sega of Japan's Haneda HQ, with @VioletBerlin (Bad Influence, ITV, December 1992).…

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Fri May 13 16:58:26 +0000 2022

@SpectrumTinted @yesterzine Beep

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Guide Digitiser Guide Guide