P100Digitext100HOLD

DIGITISER

470

Join Mr Biffo and friends in the digitiser section

Charts 474
Violet Berlin 475

KNIGHTMARE

458

Play the Knightmare Eagle Quest adventure: To The Ice Palace of Aesandre

-----------------------------------------------------------

FULL DIGITEXT CONTENTS 101

-----------------------------------------------------------

Key:
To be implemented
Available

-----------------------------------------------------------

HELP

To advance (quickly) through the pages, press right square bracket key (located near the enter key), otherwise the pages will move forward every minute

To pause a page press "h" and then again to unpause

To move to another page (like 470) just type it in

NIGHT NETWORK

From 12am till 6am the site will play easy listening music to simulate the closedown of TV from the early eighties. This was initially started by Ceefax (the BBC teletext service) but did get picked up by Teletext.

FASTTEXT

Fasttext now added. This helped to jump to pages quickly without the need to key in the numbers. Bamboozle used this to great effect - to see this key in 452.

REVEAL

To be implemented.

ABOUT

I originally wanted to write a Windows 95 simulator as a follow-on homage to LGR's DOS portion of website - http://www.lazygamereviews.com/prompt/. I figured it should work quite well with the advancement in javascript over the years and it meant that I could utilise more JS programming skills as I don't do much of that currently.

I didn't want to use jQuery as I would only be using a small portion of that code and I wanted to try and keep the site as tightly written as possible, without excessive code. I have seen another website that does use jQuery and interestingly that is based more on Ceefax rather than mine which is Teletext based. You can find the site here: http://worldofpaul.com/teletext/.

SO WHY DIGITISER?

Around 2017, Mr Biffo (Paul Rose) of Digitiser fame, surfaced back into the "limelight" and was attending retro gaming events talking about the old Digitiser days. I thought it'd be pretty cool to make an online teletext simulator using nothing but HTML, CSS and Javascript. This would be a cut down challenge from the Windows based one and so here we are.

You stand before Knightmare Castle. With you is Treguard, Master of the Quest.

"Welcome, Adventurer! Your quest will take you to the Great Northern Ice Field, a frozen realm inhabited by ferocious Polar Bears! You travel to rescue a captive maiden. I will aid you when I can: you will hear my voice at time of need. Hold to the adventurer's code:

Answer truthfully, choose wisely, use force only in direst need. And remember

Cheats never prosper!

Treguard indicates the northern trail. Pulling your cloak tightly about you, you stride into the freezing wind. Ahead you see a tall figure: it is Hordriss the Confuser, magician extraordinary.

"Imprecations! Is this the best Treguard could find? One doubts if you are wise enough for such a Quest: one will test you. Tell me, puny adventurer those who dwell in this land are known to outsiders as Eskimos. How are they more properly called?"

Hordriss shakes his head sadly.

"One's worst fears are confirmed. One must go and find another to undertake this task. Farewell, ignorant adventurer."

He turns and leaves you standing alone in the freezing wind as the snows fall more heavily around you.

You wander through the snow as it falls ever harder and harder. All paths vanish in the white torrent that swirls about you. You tire rapidly as the warmth drains from your body. After long, confused wandering you feel yourself losing consciousness and falling into the deep, soft snow.....

You have been found wanting. This time, your Quest may not succeed. But take courage. You have journeyed far and attempted that of which many only dream

Next time you set foot beyond the walls of Castle Knightmare, who knows whence your path may lead?

"Ah," says Hordriss, " an enlightened Adventurer. Remarkable! Listen then: one's foolish daughter Sidriss has been captured by Aesandre the Ice Sorceress. Her palace lies far to the North. She awaits my rescue mission and has set magic traps for me. She will not expect YOU. There is a slight chance you might get through...

"One gifts you with a spell: HEAT. You may use it only once. Good fortune!"

You set out across the ice sheet along the path Hordriss indicates. Soon he is lost behind and you can see nothing but ice and snow in every direction. The chill enters your bones and you shiver in every limb.

Then ahead you spot a small white dome: An igloo!

Do you:

The valley path is filled with snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow reaches your knees. The fur coat is weighed down by heavy ice. You step boldly forward onto a slab of ice. It gives way beneath you and frozen snow closes over your head...

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "Frosted Adventurer! And not a microwave in sight!"

Inside the igloo it is slightly warmer. You find a collection of objects left behind by the owner.

A sack. Opening it you find it to be full of greasy, smelly lumps of something unpleasant.

A pair of snowshoes.

A white fur coat.

Which do you take?

Wrapping the coat around you and feeling warm and snug, you step out into the snow again. Heading ever northwards, you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down the valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

You climb up above the snowy valley, across bare rock jutting through the ice. At the top of the rise you pause to look down...

And turn at a snarling sound behind you

A large polar bear is growling and forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge.

"Very tactless to go around wearing one of his relatives," whispers Treguard as you fall from the rock-face. Oh dear

Strapping the huge snowshoes onto your feet, step out into the snow again. Heading ever northwards you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down a valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

Slinging the weight of the of the sack over one shoulder, you step out into the snow again. Moving north again you come to a divide in the path. You may travel down a valley or along a high rocky ledge.

Which route do you take now?

You climb up above the snowy valley, across the rocks jutting out of the ice. At the top of the rise you pause to look down...

A hideous snarling sounds behind you.

A large polar bear is growling and forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge.

"Decide quickly," says Tregaurd. "He looks hungry."

The valley path is filled with snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow spilling over your snowshoes. Once or twice you feel the ice below shifting as you step onto solid-looking surfaces but moving carefully with your snowshoes you manage to make your way to the easier path beyond the valley.

You climb up above the snowy valley, across bare rock jutting through the ice. At the top of the rise you pause..

A hideous snarling sounds behind you.

A large polar bear is growling, forcing you back towards the edge of the ledge. It leaps towards you...

...and rips the sack from your back. As you hurry away Treguard whispers: "You may not like the smell - but some regard two-week old whale blubber as quite a delicacy!"

The valley path is filled with ever deeper snowdrifts and as you push forward you find the snow reaches to your knees. The heavy sack makes you sink deeper in.

As you step boldly forward onto a frozen slab it gives way beneath you and the freezing snows close over your head.....

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "Now you know how a frozen beefburger feels!"

You trip over the heavy snowshoes you are wearing as the bear pounces on you. You have a last impression of its mighty jaws, gaping wide....

"Oh dear," mutters Treguard. "Still never mind: think of it as doing your bit to preserve an endangered species."

You are temporarily refreshed, but the icy wind blows you harder from the north. Your fingers and toes go numb and your vision blurs. The icy cold extends its reach into your very lungs. It seems that you can go no further.

What do you do?

Summoning your last reserves, you push forward and suddenly the blizzard falters. Ahead of you is, miraculously revealed, the ice palace of the sorceress! Its crystal walls, carved from ice tower hundreds of feet into the air. Within, lie the captive - and the enemy!

A desperate final effort propels you to the entrance.

The spell conjures a glowing ball of red light. You step through it and an invigorating rush of warmth floods your limbs and seems to cause the blizzard to falter for a moment. Ahead of you is suddenly revealed the ice palace of the sorceress! Its walls, carved from ice, tower hundreds of feet into the air. Within, lie the captive - and the enemy

You make for the entrance.

Inside the palace, a great hall of ice stretches out before you. At the far end Aesandre stands on a high platform beneath a glittering ice-chandelier. Beside her, frozen in a block of ice is Sidriss.

"So," cries Aesandre, "That old fool Hordriss thinks he can outwit me by sending a young fool in his place. Absurd!"

She raises her hands above her head: she is casting a spell! Do you:

Tregaurd whispers in your ear: "You used your only spell outside. Do you think you can cheat the Quest?"

A bolt of magic force strikes you as you stand there dithering and blackness falls around you.

"And thus fail all who try to cheat their fate." Tregaurd adds. "Be off with you!"

Inside the palace, a great hall of ice stretches out before you. At the far end Aesandre stands on a high platform beneath a glittering ice-chandelier. Beside her, frozen in a block of ice is Sidriss.

"So," cries Aesandre, "that old fool thinks he can outwit me by sending a young fool in his place. Absurd!"

And she raises her hands above her head to cast a spell at you. What do you do?

But before you can manage a single step a bolt of mystic energy flies from Aesandre's fingertips and strikes you full upon the chest. You feel a strange tingling spread through your body...

In this arctic wasteland you cannot survive long without food. Sheltering in a frozen ice-cave you come across a ragged hermit.

"I have food - but share it only with the wise," he says. "You may eat of my bread but only if you can answer me this: The North people believe in a hammer-god.

Which day is his?"

Invoking the spell conjures a ball of red light to form in your right hand. It pulses with warmth as you look up and try to identify a target upon which to use it.

Do you aim for the:

The red sphere flies straight and true towards the evil figure of your enemy.. She deftly bats it aside, causing it to crash out through the ice wall. With a malicious grin she unleashes her own spell which strikes you full in the chest. You feel a strange tingling spread through your body...

You look down at yourself. You seem to be wearing an ill-fitting dinner jacket and baggy trousers. Then you notice that your nose seems to have got longer your arms shorter and the floor closer.

Yes, you have been turned into a PENGUIN!

"Oh dear," says Treguard. "I hope you like fish dinners...."

Your heat spell flies off above the sorceress' head but misses the chandelier. It strikes the ceiling and for a moment there is silence. Then the great sheets of ice above your head shiver and crack. You hurry for the door but before you can reach safety...

CRRRRRRRASSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!

"Well," says Treguard, "that certainly brought the house down!"

The Sorceress blinks with surprise as the ball of HEAT flashes past her. She turns with alarm as the block the ice containing Sidriss shatters, exploding under pressure from within. The heat ball turns upon Aesandre and she abandons her attack on you to raise a hasty defence.

For a few moments you watch anxiously as the fight rages at the far end of the hall. But then the floor there melts, and with a hideous curse Aesandre sinks from view.

Sidriss conjures the ice to reform and runs towards you.

"At last one of my spells has worked! Now we must hurry from here. I doubt my magic will hold her long. Spellcasting: H.O.M.E........."

In the merest instant you are returned to Castle Knightmare. Hordriss is reunited with his daughter.

"Foolish one to risk the perils of the Ice Palace," he chides her.

"Well Done, brave traveller," says Treguard. "You have proven worthy and have achieved your Quest. You may now count yourself among the Knights of Knightmare Castle."

Written by Mike Cule. "Knightmare" is a Broadsword Production for Anglia TV

Digitext would like to thank castleteletext.com for permission in allowing this on here

Credits

Story written by Mike Cule

Original Teletext artwork by Mr Biffo

Thanks to Al for archiving the original Teletext pages. ROBOTFUZZ

Thanks to Mark from ‘Fighting Fantasy (and other gamebooks)’ for mapping it out FFAOGB

-----------------------------------------------------------

Bamber Boozler poses another 12 questions. Answer using fasttext at the bottom. One wrong and you must try again.

Can you answer all 12 in one attempt?

Press RED to begin

-----------------------------------------------------------

This month is Clancy Brown's birthday. Which character did he play in Highlander?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Ramírez


Green:Connor MacLeod


Yellow:The Kurgan


Cyan:Angus Macleod


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

This month is the 100th anniversary of the birth of which science fiction author?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Margaret Atwood


Green:Jerome Bixby


Yellow:Philip K. Dick


Cyan:Isaac Asimov


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Which sea is the extension of the Indian Ocean?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Somali Sea


Green:Levantine Sea


Yellow:Red Sea


Cyan:Mediterranean Sea


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is Venice known as?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:The City of Canals


Green:Sewer City


Yellow:Waterlogged Paradise


Cyan:The City of Water


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is the value of X in Scrabble?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:6


Green:5


Yellow:10


Cyan:8

-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Bad luck!

-----------------------------------------------------------

YOU'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED


Do you wish to play again? If so, press red below

-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Which 1960's show had a witch twitching her nose for magic practice?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Bewitched


Green:Sabrina The Teenage Witch


Yellow:Charmed


Cyan:Tabitha


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What TV series are the Cylons from?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Buck Rogers


Green:Battlestar Galactica


Yellow:Star Trek


Cyan:Blakes 7


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What does Atari mean?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:To Be On Target


Green:Games


Yellow:A Guess


Cyan:Success


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Complete the game series: ______ Kong. ______ Kong Jr

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Big


Green:King


Yellow:Donkey


Cyan:Mule


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is the study of plants called?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Botany


Green:Foraging


Yellow:Plantology


Cyan:Green finger-ism


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

How many strings does a violin have?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:6


Green:4


Yellow:5


Cyan:3


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is the atomic symbol of Iron?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Red:Ir


Green:I


Yellow:Pb


Cyan:Fe


-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------

Well done! How many did you get right first time? Check your rating below

-----------------------------------------------------------

This week we have a new Eagle Quest game to play. A new adventure will appear here on Wednesday afternoon 29 December. Bamboozle will return in January. Press red to enter the mysterious world of Castle Knightmare...


This is an adventure game using the fast text colour buttons on certain televisions. Once you begin your adventure, you will undertake a fantastic journey. Mistakes may force you to retrace your steps - only perseverance, wit and courage will take you to the end of the Knightmare trail.

DUMB KICKSTARTER PRODUCTS vs FAKE ONES CHALLENGE ----- 471

DIGITISER LIVE UPDATE! ----- 472

THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE ----- 473

This Month in...charts ----- 474

Violet Berlin ----- 475

-----------------------------------------------------------

The worst, dumbest, Kickstarter campaigns and products ever versus fake ones - Biffo challenges Gannon, Eli and special guest Ash Frith play to tell the difference in this ridiculous Digitiser Deluxe game! Can you guess the right answers?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Newwwwwssss! Tickets for Digi Live 2.0 have sold extremely well. Given we've still got five months to go, and we've sold all but 100 or so of the tickets, I'm hopeful we're going to sell out, or as near as dammit. Which is great. Get yours now so you don't miss out.If you missed the earlier FAQ, you can find that here. However, a few updates:We're planning to have a merch table. We've ordered some Digi Logo enamel badges, and - we'll know for certain once they arrive here and have shipped to backers - we may have a limited number of Digitiser The Show DVDs. We probably aren't going to do t-shirts, given the faff with both sizes and the space needed for them, but we're going to sell at least one limited edition Digitiser Live 2.0 shirt beforehand through our Redbubble store, so you can wear it to the event. Mugs take up a lot of space too, and are expensive, so most likely we'll just be selling the badges, and possibly posters and postcards. Again, if you want mugs, check out Redbubble. Chunky Fringe is coming together, and you can read all about it here. It'll run from 11am to 5pm on the day of the event, and is free to all. Highlights include a Digitiser quiz, a retro gaming panel, and some sort of panel with me on it talking about Digi and Teletext.Chris Bell is also looking to book somewhere on the Friday night for some sort of gathering. We had considered a screening of some Biffo-related stuff at the Arts Centre, but unfortunately the small hall is being refurbished.There's also now a Facebook group for attendees. You can find that here. If you're coming on your own, and you're a little anxious, it's the perfect way to introduce yourself, and get to know people beforehand. As said many times, it's a lovely community, and very understanding of people's differing needs. You will be welcomed.In other news, you may well have seen the first episode of Digitiser Deluxe. I'm very proud of it - it feels like the channel has a new focus. But anyhow, during this first run of Digi Deluxe, you'll be seeing a lot of both Sooz Kempner and Ash Frith. I think it's okay now to announce them both as the first confirmed guests for this year's Digi Live. They fit into Digi perfectly, and I couldn't be more honoured that they want to keep being involved. We've got other guests lined-up, but as it's availability dependent, we'll have to confirm them nearer the time. Suffice to say, if we manage to get everyone we want to get... it's going to be a very special day. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Linksssss time! If you're wondering where all the posts have gone on this site... well, they'll be back as and when. I'm mostly posting blogs over on Patreon now, where I can talk about things in a little more depth, with a bit more of a personal touch. Also: you get early access to videos, and higher tier backers get, in addition to the blogs, the occasional exclusive video.This week, Patrons were treated to a whole deleted sequence from next week's Digi. Just $1 gets you early access and some posts, and $5 gets you all the blogs and stuff.I have to say, I've been hugely gratified by the response to the first two eps of Digitiser Deluxe. If you've not seen them, it's very much an evolution for the channel, and I implore you to check them out. There's still all that Digi nonsense - Walrus Shoes! - but with a bit more focus. I mean, for the first time since Ashens was on we haven't lost subscribers when we've uploaded a video! Result.If there's somebody you'd like to see as a guest on the show, please post suggestions below, or hassle them on Twitter to reach out to us. Ash and Sooz were a brilliant addition to the line-up, and we'd like more funny people in that vein. If you're not already sick of my voice, having had two Digitiser videos in the space of a week, you can hear me drinking cocktails and discussing murder on the latest episode of the excellent Mystery on the Rocks podcast, with recent, and soon-to-be-again, Digi guest Sooz Kempner.Gannon's bound-to-be-excellent ghosthunting autobiography still needs support in order to become a reality. You can do that here.

​And, of course, there are still some tickets left for Digitiser Live. Don't miss out. If you want to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

BLANKET COVERAGE

Hi Mr Biffo, at the risk of sounding like the wettest blanket in the world I just thought I'd write to tell you how much you chaps made such a difference to my life the past few months! I genuinely look forward to Sundays for the first time ever!​My mental health has been at it's worst lately so anything to look forward to is a fabulous thing! I'd love to send some strange Irish food one day if it's possible! Is there any way I can write for an autograph from you guys as I'm afraid I'm too broke to travel over for the live show! ​Again, thank you so much.Joe Gallagher

Well this is awkward now we've moved episodes to Thursdays. But - hey - listen up, Joe: it's never less than lovely to receive messages like this, so don't apologise for it. To make even a tiny difference to anyone's life is privilege. It makes what we're doing worth it. We don't know it unless we're told.Drop us a line with your address to digitiser2000@gmail.com and we'll sort you something out.

FAN FICTION

Crash zoom onto the keys of a Farfiser electric organ (middle C). Extravagantly bearded man, in robes, teasing a swirling, tear jerking, yet atonal symphony from the electronics within. Knee deep in dry ice the drummer, with red half lidded eyes, regards him while leaning across his tom-toms; tongue fiddling with the chewing tobacco that will speed him to a date with mouth cancer in 12 years time.Languid track across the stage, oh look there's Silbury Hill in the background, they're doing this outside in a sort of midsummer mystical morning twilight.The road crew are visible in the foreground, lots of denim and long hair, everybody is painfully thin.Shot pans up, the red orb of the sun crests the horizon as the lead guitar joins with the organ... 20 minutes of sublime fret noodling followed by about 15 minutes of animalistic drum work... everybody ends up lying on the floor, hips bucking in ecstasy, releasing the musicality within. Drums collapse, lights burn out, mics are driven into speakers, guitars are hurled, organs thrown and inverted in a cacophony of sonic hedonism. It's as if somebody had worked out the meaning of existence, but could only express it through a combination of goose pimple key changes and flitting between 4/4 and 3/4 time."Dave, you set out to write some joke story about responding to an advert in the papers requiring an organist, but presenting as an onanist... in it you would clumsily shoe-horn in something relevant about Digi filling a Barshen's shaped hole, but this not being a bad thing or derivative because it will have your creative brain behind it. Hence, some doubts I've seen about people thinking you shouldn't do this, or criticising a lack of originality are unfounded. WTF is this sh*t?"Dave G

It's not that this wasn't creative or original. It's more I don't know how I'm meant to respond to it.

GAMING MILL'S LETTER

Dear Digi,I was bored earlier so I decided to look up some stuff about that Rupert Bear creature. Whilst looking I came across this.That monstrosity used to give me the proper fear as a child and, until now, I had managed to block it from my mind.I'm scared to go to bed now...just imagine that weird thing, walking into your bedroom. Just imagine...imagine.With that in mind I'm going to see if I can stop at a friend's house tonight. She's nearly equally scary but at least she's clean and doesn't look like some sort of blue beetroot or something.Merry Xmas.Gaming Mill

Why would you write in about this thing? The worst thing about Raggety was the way he moved, and his horrible jumping up and down, all flailing limbs and shaking head. And his screeching voice. All of which was made somehow infinitely worse by his wearing the clothes of a human boy. Why was Rupert even friends with this monstrosity?!

BUS WANKER

To me, to me. All pay attention to me. I am a bus and you can have a ride on the bus if you pay. It's what happens when they nationalise you, dear. Let's all go down the strand, let's all go down the strand.Jon "The Anti-Amstrad Loon" ClayTaunton, Somerset

Is this some sort of anti-Londoner thing?

WELL MET

With the Met Office building a new weather supercomputer and with what we know of the plans of Mr S. Hussein and attempt to build a supercomputer himself...Which home computer of 80's could all be joined together to build a daisy chain to make a supercomputer?Would a load of Dragon 32's make a heatwave? Perhaps the Amstrad CPC 464 would make a frosty wind which comes out of Lord Sourface's mush, meaning "You're Frozen" by it especially when your screen is frozen.Personally I would pick the BBC Micro, with Fred 'Lovely Jumpers' Harris to introduce a weather programme for judging the amount of sunshine at a seaside resort to let the local tourist board know these results. But unfortunately it got pilfered to be used in Quark by a Mr Dic. Tator, head of the Seaton Carew tourist board to predict the weather for canoe tourists.Wish you were here,Trevor Baker's Dozen Tracy Barden Barden by the Sea

You're all being very wacky this week. 

FARTIST

The question of whether we should separate the art from the artist is one that will never have a definitive answer. While thinking about this recently, I considered the related question of should we separate the performer from their material.Several, admittedly contemporary, comedians emphasised Bernard Manning's ability as a comedian and raconteur, despite detesting his material. It goes without saying that I find 99% of it unfunny and offensive but I would find it hard to argue that he wasn't good at it.I wonder perhaps if it is easier to separate performer from material than artist from art, but one could say instead that there is no real difference. In your experience in the arts, do you ever recognise someone's ability at something while absolutely disliking what they do?John Whyte

Hmm. I'm sure most performers would consider what they do "art", so I think they're one and the same thing. Not sure about anyone I've witnessed first-hand, but the person I always refer to when this comes up is an artist who used to draw for 2000AD. I'm not mentioning names, but I loved his style - and even painted a mural of one of his characters on my bedroom wall when I was a teenager. I follow him on Twitter, and was disappointed that his views on there often seem to be at the more extreme end of right wing. It made me feel very conflicted for a while - and I'm still disappointed - but I continue to follow him.​Indeed, I follow a few people on Twitter whose opinions and beliefs I disagree with in the strongest way possible, but I do think it's important not to live entirely in a bubble. Arguing with people over moral or political issues doesn't seem to get us anywhere. Views just seem to get more entrenched like that, and if we pull up our drawbridges then there's never going to be discussion. I'm a firm believer that we can only change the world, and how others view it, through empathy and kindness, not judgement and attacking. Which, I know, sounds a bit hippy-drippy, but it does let me continue to enjoy the aforementioned artist's work on an aesthetic level at least. Even if I do still wrestle with it a bit, mainly because I wonder whether his publicly voiced views are the tip of a deep, dark, iceberg.I have a number of right-wing friends and family members, with assorted beliefs, and - oddly - that bothers me less than it does artists I admire, perhaps because I know them as people, and can see they're not bad just because we have differing opinions. People are complex. People aren't just one thing or another. We're all a mix of the subjectively good and bad. I prefer to give others the benefit of the doubt as much as I can. The best example I can give is when a nephew of mine - who was in his early-20s and in the army at the time - posted to Facebook saying good riddance to Nelson Mandela, because he was a "terrorist". I knew where this had come from - because Mandela had been on a US terror watchlist, and my nephew had been conditioned by his training to see all "terrorists" as bad, and sod the nuance. I did take him to task about it, and he quickly deleted the post. Thing is, I know my nephew, and he's a decent, sweet, man. He'd been institutionalised, he'd fought in Afghanistan - it was a mix of all that, some bad info he'd gotten, and a lack of knowledge about the world. Not because he was bad.That was a long-winded answer. Sorry!

HALF A SIXPENCE (PACKET)

This is the Beanus-obsessed mess that goes by the name of "JoybitLegit" in your YouTube comments. I got a hold of my friend who's been to prison and he told me how to make a Hookup, turns out there are two versions.  I wanna say he made the latter considering the color of the water in my sink afterwards."Ramen noodles, baked beans, and hot dogs is one recipe. Only use half the packet of flavor.  Other one is ramen, summer sausage, mayo, and mustard with pickles in it as the sauce. Fry the meat in either case."If possible, mix it in a spare garbage bag for full authenticity. Note that my friend and I are American so we're talking about something like Bush's Baked Beans and Yellow Mustard. Well, I'm half Canadian, but that's a minor technicality.Looking forward to some retching from Paul,Pinya

We might have to do a follow-up to the prison food at some point, as I would like to try these, and also pruno - prison wine. We've got a few other bonkers food videos we want to do first, mind. Tell your friend I admire his "only use half the packet" attention to culinary detail. Wouldn't want that Hookup to be too flavourful!

A FEW QUICK QUESTIONS

Hi Biffo, I hope you and the family are well.A few quick questions for you:1. You've stated in the past that you never wanted to be a performer/be in front of a camera but obviously you've been on camera a lot over the past year so you must've watched your own videos hundreds of times while editing them. Have you noticed anything about yourself during this process, either stuff you do physically or verbally/the way you say things which surprised you/didn't realise that you did? (the first time I was ever recorded on video I was surprised that my voice is deeper than it sounds in my head, for example).2. Did you know that there's a remake of Skool Daze on Steam? I've never played the original and I haven't played this newer version (so I can't comment on the quality of it) as I think it'd mean more to someone who remembers the original. It's only £2.99 until Friday 28th February so it might be worth a punt though? *Disclaimer - I'm not affiliated with the game in any way*https://store.steampowered.com/app/524430/Skool_Daze_Reskooled/3. I'm glad to hear you're a fan of Viz! I suspected as much. Along with Viz I also used to read the Zit, Smut and Spit! comics, did you ever read those too? They weren't as good as Viz, Zit being the best of those three, but there were laughs to be had.​4. Did you ever play the Viz videogame?Cheers,Steve

1. Oddly, I can separate myself from the me that's on-screen. I have to do that, or I'd get nothing done in the edit. I'd probably be too self-critical. It has been a good thing on the whole though; It has made a great deal of difference to my self-acceptance. Always feeling a bit like an outsider, or weird, I realise I'm less weird than I thought. Still weird, natch, but - much to my surprise - I don't find myself difficult to watch.It's more during filming that I'll give myself a hard time, if I feel I wasn't funny enough or contributing enough (though all of us do that). Normally when I watch it back I'm pleasantly surprised.That said, if I am ever critical of myself in the edit, it's usually what I look like. In the latest video - the Kickstarter one - I'm slouched in the chair for the entire thing, looking like Jabba the Hutt draped in a throne, plus my hair is just sort of plastered to the top of my head, because I'd gotten all hot-and-bothered setting up for filming. That was a harder-than-usual watch.2. I am very familiar with this, and other, Skool Daze reboots. They're always quite slavish to the original, whereas I think I'm looking for something a little more - something which builds on what was there originally.3. I bought issues of all those things, and I kind of hated them all. They never quite understood the surrealism that's always been at the heart of Viz, and just focused on trying to be edgy. For all its jokes about farts and large testicles, Viz has always been really intelligent and satirical. 4. I'm sure I did. Like the old Monty Python game, it failed to really capture the essence of what it was based upon. Right. That's it for another week. Send letters if you want another of these next Friday. And please don't tag me in that picture of that Heinz beans/hoops mash-up, asking what Beanus thinks about it. That took up my entire Thursday. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

This Month in....1985 (ZX Spectrum)


1 Sabre Wolf

2 Daley Thompson's Decathlon

3 Monty Mole

4 Lords Of Midnight Jet Set Willy

5 Matchpoint

6 Jet Set Willy

7 Pyjamarama

8 Full Throttle

9 Atic Atac

10 Knightlore


ZX Spectrum Charts taken from Crash

Others will be added when available

This Month in....1990 (ZX Spectrum)


1 Batman: The Movie

2 Paperboy

3 Robocop

4 Hard Drivin'

5 Untouchables

6 Crazy Cars

7 Rampage

8 Operation Thunderbolt

9 Cabal

10 Short Circuit


All Charts taken from C&VG

This Month in....1995 (SNES)


1 Donkey Kong Country

2 Super Return of the Jedi

3 Earthworm Jim

4 Secret of Mana

5 FIFA International Soccer


Sega Charts taken from C&VG

Nintendo Charts taken from C&VG

Amiga Charts taken from Amiga Format or C&VG

This Month in....1997 (Saturn)



Sega Saturn Charts from Sega Saturn Magazine, with thanks to @SegaMags

This Month in....2000 (PC)



N64 & PlayStation Charts taken from C&VG

PC Charts taken from PC Zone

-----------------------------------------------------------

Wed Feb 26 09:36:27 +0000 2020

@giagia @flimsin @TomChivers Ha! So glad it’s not just me who does that. My MRI last year was full man-in-the-iron mask contraption over head. I cried and cried when I came out at gratitude cos the staff at Homerton Hospital has been soooo patient.

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 3
Sat Feb 22 21:12:19 +0000 2020

@giagia @ScienceNelson Gareth has seen a bit but I haven’t yet ... will bump it up the watch list, thx!

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 1
Tue Feb 18 23:06:49 +0000 2020

RT @VARIANCE: Newcomer @tychokluid has our attention with his addictive new single "Serotonin," which is only his second release to date: h…

Retweeted: 2
Liked: 0
Tue Feb 18 23:06:39 +0000 2020

RT @tmradicalist: List Pick: Just his second release ever, ‘Serotonin’ is a hugely impressive cut from 18-year-old @tychokluid. https://t.c…

Retweeted: 3
Liked: 0
Mon Feb 17 23:55:24 +0000 2020

RT @alfitude: Tycho Jones – Serotonin https://t.co/DOuz3gg4Y5 https://t.co/6JME530PEb

Retweeted: 1
Liked: 0
Mon Feb 17 19:22:58 +0000 2020

@MobileWarren @YouTube @GarethJonesTV @LucyBYeatman In shock! 😂 and yes sooooo pleased and proud for him 🤩

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 1
Mon Feb 17 19:19:42 +0000 2020

@MobileWarren @YouTube @GarethJonesTV @LucyBYeatman ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 0
Mon Feb 17 17:28:32 +0000 2020

RT @complex_uk: Premiere: Dry your eyes with a dose of "Serotonin" from alt-pop wonder Tycho Jones (@tychokluid) https://t.co/iku6y1jI5x ht…

Retweeted: 1
Liked: 0
Mon Feb 17 17:28:24 +0000 2020

RT @GarethJonesTV: No1 Son Tycho's video for his new single has dropped - https://t.co/duQtpb9SU3 @tychokluid #TychoJones #Serotonin https…

Retweeted: 4
Liked: 0
Sun Feb 16 11:51:01 +0000 2020

@mrbiffo No I nearly went to Stranger Things though. Frightened of disappointment.

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 1
Sun Feb 16 09:13:32 +0000 2020

@mrbiffo Bloody love it

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 3
Sun Feb 16 09:12:56 +0000 2020

@mrbiffo Priceless!

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 1
Wed Feb 12 22:29:38 +0000 2020

RT @LyricaLemonade: London native Tycho Jones is back with a soothing new release titled "Serotonin" https://t.co/F0WyEk9AzP [@tychokluid…

Retweeted: 7
Liked: 0
Thu Feb 06 23:16:52 +0000 2020

@giagia I play a cult leader in Mr Biffo's short film "Trojan Arse Protocol". It kinda felt like a documentary at the time https://t.co/Cy1xiCyXKz

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 4
Mon Feb 03 08:27:15 +0000 2020

@Notagoth Huffs on glasses, looks again. Oh yeah! But still, Yay, readers! - ‘if you write it they will read’

Retweeted: 0
Liked: 1

Guide Digitiser Guide Guide